


some kind of madness

by seaunicorn



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bachelorette Party, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Post-Break Up, Wakes & Funerals, Wedding Fluff, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-05-31 17:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19430251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaunicorn/pseuds/seaunicorn
Summary: When Alyssa hears that Emma's grandmother has passed away, she finds herself back in Edgewater, having to talk to Emma for the first time since they broke up five years ago.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This was just supposed to be a prologue/intro chapter but it got LONG. Technically the real fic doesn't start until next chapter, but please enjoy this introductory angst. I'm so sorry. Things have to get worse before they can get better.
> 
> CW: Minor character death, breaking up, panic attacks.

The summer before college was when Emma and Alyssa’s relationship fell apart.

After prom—the real prom—they were happier together than they had ever been, but that happiness was short lived because a few weeks later, Alyssa received a letter from Stanford University.

Alyssa had already received all her college acceptance letters, and had already been almost certain she would attend NYU with Emma in the fall. She had received a small scholarship to the school and would have to take out a few loans to pay for the rest of her tuition, but it would be worth it, because she and Emma could plan for their future together.

But when Stanford offered Alyssa a full scholarship, she had to reconsider. And when she brought up the subject with Emma, well, things didn’t go as well as she hoped.

“We have a plan, Alyssa! This isn’t the plan!”

Emma paced back and forth across her bedroom floor, while Alyssa sat cross legged on the bed, watching her. The Stanford scholarship letter sat on the bed in front of her where Emma had dropped it after reading through it a few times. The page was slightly crumpled from her grip. Alyssa grabbed the letter and tried to flatten it out a little.

“I know, Em, but it’s a lot of money. You know Stanford was one of my top choices, I just couldn’t afford it until now.” It was true. Alyssa remembered sitting on this very bed with Emma a few short months ago, surrounded by brochures and pamphlets and flyers as they decided where they would apply and what they wanted to do. She remembered gushing to Emma about Stanford, and Emma seemed excited about the idea back then.

She was a lot less excited about it now.

“But we were going to go to New York and get an apartment and visit Barry and Angie and Dee Dee and we could finally be together!” Emma’s hands were in her hair, messy curls becoming more and more frazzled by the minute from the stress.

“We can still be together,” Alyssa said. Emma was panicking, and that worried Alyssa. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but to Emma it seemed like it. “People do long distance all the time! We love each other. If anyone can make it work, we can.”

Emma stopped pacing and turned back to face Alyssa. “You really want to go to Stanford?” She looked scared of what Alyssa’s answer would be.

Slowly, Alyssa looked down and nodded. She was met with silence-- long, drawn out silence, and Alyssa felt like she couldn’t breathe. If Emma wasn’t on board, she didn’t know what she would do. She felt the bed dip and tilted her head up again to find Emma sitting in front of her. Emma reached out, laced her fingers between Alyssa’s and squeezed gently.

“Okay,” Emma whispered, her voice cracking. “We’ll figure it out.” Her eyes were shining and red, as though she was trying to hold herself together. Alyssa felt as though she was about to fall apart.

She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer as she flung her arms around Emma and held her tight, sniffling into her shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Emma muttered into her hair as her arms slunk around Alyssa’s waist. “So much.”

Alyssa never wanted to move, terrified of what awaited outside the warmth of Emma’s embrace.

After Alyssa submitted her official enrollment forms at Stanford University, the rest of the summer had a dark cloud looming over them that was the end of August when Emma and Alyssa would be on opposite ends of the country. Every mention of the distance slowly chipped away at the fragile line that held them together.

They still spent every day together, of course. They weren’t going to waste a single second that they had left together, and now that they were out as a couple and didn’t have to hide anymore, they were free to do more than hang out in Emma’s room with the door wide open. They could go on dates, real dates. They did tire of Applebee’s after the one time they went there, so Emma would drive them out to the next town over. They would go out for ice cream, or go to the mall, or drive to the lake and spend the day there. But every single date, every interaction they had, felt strained under the weight of their entire relationship. It was maddening.

They used to talk, dreaming of their future together; they would get a tiny apartment and a dog that was too big for it. They used to muse about who would buy the groceries and who would kill the bugs and who would fix the appliances when they broke. They would dream about their wedding, what kind of dress Alyssa would wear, what kind of flowers they would have, where they would honeymoon. But now, anytime the idea of any future beyond the end of summer would come up, the mood would darken and the conversation would abruptly die down. Alyssa still wanted to talk about these things; she wanted to know that they would make it. But whenever the subject came up, Emma would shut down. Each time formed a new crack in Alyssa’s heart and she feared if this went on any longer, it would shatter.

The saving grace of it all was, surprisingly, Alyssa’s mother. She had been making a real effort to be more supportive of Alyssa, and even get to know Emma a little. After having Emma over a few times, she quickly picked up that something was off with her daughter.

“Honey, you’ve hardly touched your dinner,” her mother said one night, as Alyssa pushed her food around her plate having only eaten a few bites.

“I’m not hungry,” Alyssa muttered.

“You haven’t been very hungry all week.” Alyssa just shrugged. She heard the clink of silverware and looked up as her mother set down her fork. “Alyssa, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“I know I don’t have the best track record but I’m trying to do better,” her mom sighed. “Please talk to me.”

Alyssa frowned. She was hesitant to bring up her girlfriend, but her mother had been doing better these past few weeks. “It’s Emma,” she said cautiously, testing the waters. Alyssa glanced up at her mother and saw no negative reaction, which was better than before. Satisfied, she continued. “Ever since we talked about Stanford, she’s been getting more and more distant. It’s just… it’s hard.” Alyssa was ready to stop there but the sudden look of concern on her mother’s face egged her to continue. “She’s my best friend, and I hate that it feels like there’s this chasm between us. And I hate that it’s my fault.”

“Alyssa, it’s not your fault,” her mom said immediately. “I know you care a lot for Emma… and I know she cares about you too. Maybe she’s just scared of what’s going to happen when you’re gone. I know I’m scared of you leaving me.”

Alyssa frowned. “I told her it wouldn’t change anything. We’re going to do long distance, but she’s already pushing me away. I don’t want to lose her, mom, but it feels like I am already.”

“There are a lot of variables to consider. Long distance leaves a lot up to chance. Missed calls and bad timing can really mess up something good,” her mother said, thinking out loud. “Maybe if you try talking to her again and come up with a plan together. A call schedule, or plan some visits. If she knows what to expect, maybe it’ll ease her worries a little.”

Alyssa blinked. She hadn’t expected genuine advice from her mother, let alone something that might actually be helpful. “That’s a really good idea, mom. Thanks.”

Alyssa knew she would have to be delicate when she brought up the subject again with Emma, but as long as they could figure it out together, everything would be okay.

That weekend, halfway through summer, Emma drove Alyssa out to an open field in the middle of nowhere. She had some blankets and some snacks and a Bluetooth speaker with a playlist of their favorite songs in the bed of her truck, where they laid back to look at the stars. It was heaven.

“Hey, Emma,” Alyssa muttered, after a while. She held Emma’s hand to her chest, clutching tightly, as she turned to look at her girlfriend. Emma turned her head too, her glasses falling slightly crooked in the process. Alyssa couldn’t help but smile. “I know you don’t want to talk about the fall, but I think we should.”

She saw Emma’s expression visibly darken. “It’s fine, we don’t have to—“

“No!” Alyssa exclaimed, then sighed. “Em, please don’t shut me out. I don’t want to lose you.”

Emma’s eyes softened. “You’re not gonna lose me,” she muttered. “I’m yours. Always.”

“I was thinking, we could have a Skype date every Friday night,” Alyssa mused. “Obviously we’ll call each other more than that, but we can set aside that time every week for each other.”

“Yeah?” Emma looked back up at the sky. “Can you send me pictures of your day?” she asked.

“Of course!” Alyssa said. “I’ll send you pictures of my breakfast and my walk to class and the campus squirrels and my dorm room. Selfies every day.”

“And I can send you pictures of New York,” Emma mumbled. “Videos of Barry when he comes to visit.”

“And I can come visit too,” Alyssa said. “I’ve always wanted to go to New York.”

“You’ll come visit?”

“Mhm. You can show me all your favorite places. Maybe I’ll come in December, I hear Christmas in New York is beautiful.”

Alyssa heard Emma sigh next to her, but soon fell silent. After a minute, she glanced over to find Emma laying back, eyes closed and tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Emma?” Alyssa shot up, crawled over, and pulled Emma’s head into her lap, stroking her hair. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“W—what if it doesn’t work like that?” Emma sniffled. “What if you’re so busy you forget to take pictures, or what if we keep missing each other when we call, or what if by the time you’re free on Friday night I’m already asleep because of the time difference, or what if flights are too expensive and—“

“Hey,” Alyssa muttered softly, cutting her off. “We can’t waste all our energy worrying about the what if’s.”

Emma opened her eyes and looked up at Alyssa. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were damp, but she wiped away the tears as she sat up and leaned in close. “I love you,” she whispered.

Alyssa glanced down at Emma’s lips, which looked so soft that Alyssa wanted nothing more than to kiss them. “I love you too.”

In one swift movement, her mouth was on Emma’s, tongue pushing past her lips. She leaned forward until Emma was falling back, pulling Alyssa down on top of her. Emma kissed her desperately, one hand on her cheek, the other on the back of her neck. Emma’s fingers threaded into the hair at her neck, pulling her closer into the kiss. Alyssa’s arms strained to hold herself over Emma, but she felt her strength weakening with every swipe of Emma’s tongue against her own, every little nibble on her bottom lip that had her gasping for air. Alyssa poured every ounce of love she felt into the kiss.

It was a warm summer night, but the air felt like nothing compared to the heat of Emma’s touch as her hands found their way under her shirt, fingernails scratching at Alyssa’s back. Alyssa felt a whine in the back of her throat, and Emma giggled against her lips.

With that, Alyssa turned her attention to the buttons of Emma’s shirt. She pulled back from their kiss and whispered, “Can I?”

Emma nodded quickly before pressing their lips together again. Alyssa fumbled with the buttons for a few minutes before finally being able to pull it off and fling it to the side. Emma took this opportunity to sit up and pull off Alyssa’s tank top, then kiss her again.

Alyssa kissed her until Emma had laid back down under her, and her hands were about to take purchase beside Emma’s head once again, but she felt Emma’s hand grab hers and lead it down to her belt buckle. Alyssa froze, and her eyes flew open, where she found Emma looking at her, wide-eyed and vulnerable, but glowing with joy.

“Are you sure?” Alyssa asked.

They had talked about this before, and they knew they wanted to, but this was the first time they were truly alone together.

“Yes,” Emma breathed.

Alyssa studied Emma’s face— the small crease between her eyebrows, the reflection of the moonlight in her dark eyes, the small smile on her swollen lips— and committed every detail to memory.

Then, Alyssa leaned down and kissed her again, more gentle than before, as she slowly undid Emma’s belt and popped open the button of her jeans. Alyssa was going to show Emma exactly how much she loves her.

A few hours later, the sound of Alyssa’s ringtone startled them both awake. They had dozed off in the bed of Emma’s truck, wrapped up in each other’s arms, just the two of them alone under the moonlight. Alyssa shot upright and felt around for her phone, finally grabbing it, she answered.

“Hello?” Alyssa mumbled, then cleared her throat. She hoped that her voice just sounded like she was asleep, and not like anything else.

“Alyssa, where the hell are you? It’s way past your curfew!”

Alyssa checked her watch to see that it was almost midnight. “Shit—I mean—I’m so sorry, mom. Emma and I were stargazing and I—I dozed off and lost track of time.” It was mostly true.

She heard her mother sigh and braced herself for the worst, but was surprised to hear, “That’s fine, I’m glad you’re okay, but please come home now.”

“Of course, we’re on our way.”

As Alyssa hung up the phone, she glanced over at Emma, who had already put her shirt back on. “Time to go?” Emma asked.

Alyssa nodded.

Emma seemed a bit uncomfortable, and Alyssa was worried she would close herself off again, until she leaned in and gave Alyssa a quick peck on the cheek. “Tonight was amazing,” she muttered, blushing a little. “I love you.”

Alyssa’s heart felt full.

The weeks of summer passed by far too quickly for Alyssa’s liking. Emma was less distant now, but after that one conversation about the future of their relationship, it was never mentioned again. Alyssa knew deep down that they should communicate about it more, but she couldn’t bring herself to mention it, remembering the fear in Emma’s eyes as she cried on Alyssa’s lap in the bed of her truck that night.

They had less than a month left together when Alyssa tried to bring up the subject again. Emma sat in her desk chair, strumming her guitar absently, while Alyssa was sprawled out on Emma’s bed, watching her with a smile.

“I’m gonna miss this,” she muttered. “You’re gonna play for me still on our Skype dates, right?”

Alyssa noticed Emma’s shoulders tense at her words. “Uh, yeah, sure,” Emma said, clearing her throat.

Alyssa frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Emma brushed her off. “I just-- I don’t want to think about it. Can’t we just not talk about it and enjoy the rest of the summer?”

Alyssa frowned. “We’re going to have to talk about it eventually. You’re leaving in three weeks.”

“And you want to spend all three of those weeks worrying about what’s going to happen to us?” Emma’s voice was bitter. She stopped strumming her guitar and lifted her chin to look at Alyssa. There was a frustrated grimace on her face and Alyssa felt another crack forming on her heart.

“I’ll worry a lot less if we actually talked about it,” Alyssa sighed. “That’s how we’re going to get through this. Together, right?”

“Yes, of course, but I can’t-- I just don’t want to think about it,” Emma groaned. Alyssa noticed her breath becoming more short, and her hands shook as she set her guitar aside. “Talking about it or thinking about it just makes me panic, okay? You’re going to be on the other side of the country and there’s so many things that could go wrong and you don’t seem to be worried about it at all!”

“You think I’m not worried?” Alyssa scoffed. “Of course I’m worried! I’m terrified, and the fact that you don’t even want to talk about it is the scariest part.”

“I don’t want to talk about it because I have a panic attack whenever I so much as think about you being so far away!” Emma’s breathing wasn’t slowing down, and her fists were clenched. Alyssa knew she needed to tread lightly with her next words.

Alyssa sighed and tried to keep her voice calm. “It just makes me scared that, if you don’t want to talk about it now, you won’t want to try even when it does matter. When we can’t just sit in a room and talk things out.”

Alyssa’s attempt at de-escalation didn’t seem to work, because Emma jumped out of her chair and started pacing across the room. “Why would you think that?!” she exclaimed. “Of course I’m gonna try! I care about our relationship!”

“I never said you didn’t--”

“I don’t even want to  _ think _ about a life without you, and you’re just assuming that I don’t care?!”

“Emma--”

“Stop! I just… I can’t do this right now.” Emma was crying now, tears streaming down her face, hands shaking. Alyssa reached out to hold her, but Emma flinched away. “Don’t touch me!”

“Fuck, Em, I--”

“Please just go.”

Alyssa didn’t want to leave Emma in this state, but Emma wasn’t giving her much of a choice. Her eyes welled with tears as she gathered her things and stormed out of the room.

Alyssa tried to hold it together as she left the house, but Emma’s grandmother was smart enough to sense something was off.

“Alyssa, what’s wrong?” Betsy asked, sitting on the couch, as she looked up from her book.

Alyssa shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes. “N-nothing.”

Betsy stood up and walked over to Alyssa, grabbed her by the shoulders to steady her and tilted her chin up to meet her eyes. “Honey, talk to me.”

“I’m fine,” Alyssa sniffled. “I promise. Just check on Emma for me, please?” Betsy nodded, and pulled Alyssa in for a warm hug. “Thank you,” she muttered into Betsy’s shoulder.

Alyssa left the house with no other words, trying to hold herself together as she walked home, not letting herself break down until she was in her own bedroom, behind closed doors.

She waited a few hours to text Emma.  _ Are you okay? _

Alyssa watched as the bubbles appeared, then disappeared, then reappeared as Emma took a few minutes to text her back.  _ yeah i’m better now. sorry i asked you to leave _

Alyssa sighed in relief and typed out a quick response.  _ I love you _

She waited, and minutes passed, but Emma never texted back. Alyssa glanced at the clock. It was late, almost midnight. Maybe Emma had fallen asleep. Panic attacks took a lot out of her, and she was always exhausted after. Alyssa hoped she had just fallen asleep.

A few days before Emma’s flight to New York, Alyssa took her out to dinner.

It was their last chance for a real date night, as the next few days would be busy with packing and getting ready for her departure. Emma drove them into the city where Alyssa had found a restaurant that was probably way too expensive. They both felt a little out of place, but it was an excuse for Emma to wear a suit again, and Alyssa loved how she looked in a suit.

Alyssa glanced around at the dim lighting and the fancy chandeliers and the people who looked way more successful than she thought she would ever be as Emma pulled out her for her. When Emma took her own seat, Alyssa turned her gaze across the table to her.

“Sorry, is this place a bit much?” she asked. “It looked a little different in the pictures.”

“No, it’s great,” Emma said, looking around. “I like it. I feel very adult.”

Alyssa chuckled. “I just wanted to do something nice before you leave.”

Emma took a deep breath and nodded. She had gotten a little bit better at not panicking whenever the imminent future was addressed. “That’s really sweet of you.”

“Hey, girls, I’m Alex, I’ll be taking care of you tonight.” Their waiter walked up to the table with a notepad out, smiling at the two of them. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Just water is fine,” Alyssa said.

“Me too.”

“Great,” he said. “I’ll bring that over and be back to take your order in just a minute.”

“Thanks.” The waiter left, leaving Emma and Alyssa sitting in silence. Alyssa watched Emma as she picked up a menu and flipped through it.

“So have you--”

“What are--”

They both spoke at the same time, then hesitated and chuckled as their eyes met. “You go,” Alyssa said.

Emma cleared her throat. “What are you going to order?”

“Not a clue,” Alyssa muttered, grabbing the menu and flipping through it. “Oh god, what do these dishes even say? It’s all in French.”

“What if we just pick the ones with the weirdest names?”

“I like the way you think.”

Alyssa scanned her menu, looking for a word that stood out to her, then one caught her eye, and she giggled.

“What?”

“Page three, bottom left.”

Emma turned the page of her own menu to look for the word. Alyssa watched as she searched, and the way her eyes lit up as she giggled. “Pissaladiere?” Emma asked, probably butchering the pronunciation. “Oh my god what does this even say?”

“I don’t know, piss something.”

“ _ Please _ order that and call it piss something.”

They browsed the menu, laughing with each other, pointing out all the other funny names they found. Eventually they decided on food and struggled to order when their waiter came back. Alex was very helpful, though, and helped them with the correct pronunciations of their dishes. He didn’t even laugh at them once.

When they were alone again, Alyssa fumbled nervously with the zipper on her purse. “So… I got you something,” she muttered.

Emma looked up in surprise, but she smiled. “You did?”

“Yeah, like, a going away present.” Alyssa unzipped her purse and pulled out a small box. She slid it across the table to Emma and held her breath.

“You didn’t have to… I mean, thanks.” Emma reached out and grabbed the box in her hands. It was small enough to fit in one hand. She slid off the lid and pushed the delicate tissue paper out of the way. When she finally saw what was inside, her mouth fell open and she let out a soft gasp.

“You like it?” Emma pulled out the silver necklace with a small, dainty music note at the end. “Because you’re studying music and I know you’re gonna be awesome at it and get an awesome record deal, or be a music producer or songwriter or something else equally as awesome as you are and I’ve said awesome a lot haven’t I? I just mean I know you’re going to do incredible things because you’re incredible, and--”

“Alyssa,” Emma whispered, cutting her off. “It’s beautiful.” Emma looked up at her, eyes shining with tears, and a beautiful smile on her lips. Alyssa was so in love. “I have something for you too.”

Emma reached into the pocket of her suit jacket and pulled out a small book with a blank cover. She handed the book to Alyssa, cheeks red.

“What’s this?” Alyssa asked, flipping open to the first page, only to find a photo of her and Emma staring back at her from the page. In fact, she remembered it as the first photo they had ever taken together, after the Thanksgiving assembly almost two years ago. They looked younger, bright-eyed and happy high schoolers, just starting to fall in love. She glanced back up at Emma, who nodded knowingly. Alyssa flipped through the pages to see more photos as their relationship progressed, only for the last page to have their prom photo.

Alyssa gasped when she saw the last picture, running her finger along the photo. Prom had only been a few short months ago, but the memories already felt so distant and clouded in the back of her mind. But Alyssa remembered how she felt when she first saw Emma in that suit. She remembered how it felt to take her hands and dance, just like they always wanted to. She remembered how it felt to kiss Emma in front of everyone.

It was the best night of her life.

“Did you make this?” Alyssa asked.

Emma shrugged. “I just sent the photos to K-Mart and they printed it in a book, but yeah.”

“I love it.” Alyssa reached her hand across the table and grabbed Emma’s. Even after almost two years, the simplest of touches gave Alyssa chills. She brought Emma’s hand up to her lips and kissed her knuckles. “I love you.”

Emma squeezed her hand. “I love you, Alyssa Greene.”

The next few days were a blur. Alyssa spent most of her time at Emma’s house, helping her pack, getting ready, and clinging to their last moments together.

Before she knew it, it was already Thursday afternoon, and Alyssa waited in the driveway as Emma said goodbye to her grandmother. Betsy was too old to make the drive to the airport, so Alyssa had volunteered to drop Emma off, and drive her truck back after. And she would be able to put off saying goodbye for just a little bit longer.

The drive was long, and it was quiet. Alyssa was wrapped up, worrying inside her own head, and she was sure Emma was doing the same, if her trembling hands were any indication. The silence was deafening so Alyssa turned up the volume of the music when she realized neither of them could say anything, and reached over the center console to grasp Emma’s hand tight.

Alyssa kind of spaced out for most of the drive, going through the motions, until she saw the sign for the airport coming up in a few miles. She cleared her throat and turned down the music. “Almost there,” she muttered.

“Yeah,” Emma said, distant.

“We can Skype tomorrow, right?” Alyssa asked, glancing over at Emma. “Friday Skype dates.”

Emma shrugged. “I dunno. I have orientation this weekend and it goes pretty late apparently.”

Alyssa frowned. “Well I’ll still be up, we can do it late.”

“I’ll probably be tired,” Emma said. “And I’ll have a roommate by then, I don’t want to bother them…”

Alyssa sighed. “So, when do you want to talk?”

“I don’t  _ know _ ,” Emma snapped. She buried her face in her hands and breathed slowly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-- I’m sorry.”

Alyssa’s grip tightened on the steering wheel as she merged over to the far right lane, preparing to get off the freeway. Her heart hammered in her chest as she considered what she knew she had to say. She didn’t want to say it. “Emma, what are we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Em, this is stressing you out way too much.” Alyssa took a shaky breath and brushed a curl from where it fell in front of her eyes. “And… it’s becoming too much for me too.”

Emma folded her arms over her chest, hugging herself. “I know I’ve been a shitty girlfriend lately. I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to do long distance?” Alyssa asked, getting straight to the point. She exited the freeway, keeping her eyes firmly glued to the road in front of her. “We don’t have to keep doing this if it’s too much. I get it. College is going to be hard and we’re both going to be busy, and this might just be… too much added stress on top of everything else.” Her eyes burned as she blinked away tears. Alyssa was not going to cry. Not yet.

“I don’t want to break up,” Emma whispered, her voice distant.

“Me either.” Alyssa glanced to the side, where she saw Emma looking at her, hazel eyes shining with unshed tears, desperate and heartbroken. “But we can’t keep doing this.”

“I know,” Emma sighed. She held Emma’s gaze for a moment, until a sharp honk from behind her, jolted her attention back to the road where the light had turned green.

Alyssa shook her head and focused on driving. “What terminal?”

“Three.”

Alyssa turned on the blinker and merged into another lane, maneuvering to the right place. She felt Emma’s eyes on her the entire time.

Emma cleared her throat. “So,” she muttered, “what do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

The airport was busy this afternoon, and it took Alyssa some stressful maneuvering to finally get to Terminal 3 and pull up against the curb. She put the truck in park and turned on the hazard lights. She turned in her seat to face Emma, whose eyes were red as tears were beginning to stream down her cheeks.

“I don’t want this to be it,” Emma whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you, Emma,” Alyssa took another shaky breath, holding back tears and willing herself not to start sobbing. “You’re my best friend. Nothing is going to change that.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be-- I can’t-- I’m sorry,” Emma cried.

“Don’t apologize,” Alyssa said, sniffling as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault.”

“W--we’re still best friends?”

Alyssa nodded. “Always.”

Emma’s eyes dipped down to her lips for half a second, before she surged forward to capture Alyssa’s mouth in one last, desperate kiss. Her hands fisted into Alyssa’s t-shirt and pulled her closer. Alyssa gasped into her mouth as Emma’s lips kissed her roughly and brought her hands up to Emma’s cheeks, wiping away her tears.

Alyssa lingered, chasing Emma’s lips as she pulled away, forlorn to hold onto her for just a moment longer.

But then, the moment ended. Emma wiped her eyes and climbed out of the car, silently grabbing her luggage from the back while Alyssa was frozen in her seat.

Emma made her way to the driver side window and gestured for Alyssa to roll it down. They said nothing at first, just looked into each others’ eyes. Alyssa tried to commit to memory the exact shade of Emma’s eye color, not knowing if she’d ever get to look into them again.

“Bye Alyssa.”

Alyssa’s eyes flitted down to Emma’s neck, where the music note necklace sat delicately on her chest.  _ I love you _ , Alyssa wanted to say.  _ Don’t leave me _ . But Alyssa quelled her selfish inner thoughts and said what Emma needed to hear. “Bye Emma.”

And Alyssa’s heart finally shattered as she watched the love of her life walk away from the car and into the airport, not once turning back.

Alyssa was in a daze as she drove the car out of the airport and back to the freeway. The whole drive back to Edgewater could have taken six hours or six minutes, but Alyssa had no idea. She felt empty and distant the entire time, and time had no meaning.

It wasn’t until Alyssa pulled the truck into Betsy Nolan’s driveway, turned off the engine, and sat back in her seat, that she let herself cry. Alyssa didn’t just cry, though. Violent sobs wracked through her entire body as she let out every emotion she had been holding in for the entire trip to the airport.

At some point, she heard the door open next to her and felt strong hands on her shoulders, pulling her out of the car and dragging her into the house as she wept. She tried to tell Betsy what had happened, but she didn’t even know how much she said was coherent enough to understand.

Alyssa cried and cried into Betsy Nolan’s arms until she fell asleep on the couch in her living room.

When Alyssa woke again, she was in her own bed, and for a blissful moment, she forgot that Emma was gone. She forgot that Emma was no longer her girlfriend. She tried to cry, but nothing came out, her eyes were dried of all tears and her body was too exhausted to continue sobbing. She rolled over, hugging her pillow, and saw her mother next to her bed, fast asleep. She had pulled a dining chair into Alyssa’s room and dozed off.

Alyssa had one more week left in Edgewater, Indiana before she flew off to California. A week without Emma Nolan. A week of taping the pieces of her heart back together so she didn’t seem like a complete mess when she went off to school and started her new life without Emma.

It would take time, but with the help of her mother and Betsy Nolan and the new friends she would make at Stanford, Alyssa would heal. But she thought a lot about that day at the airport, the last time she saw Emma Nolan.

Well, it was the last time she saw Emma Nolan until five years later when Alyssa received a call from her mother informing her that Betsy Nolan had passed away.


	2. without you (what the hell would i be)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Betsy Nolan's funeral looming, Alyssa does her best to hold herself together, which is difficult when being back in Edgewater causes so many familiar feelings to resurface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Sick of Losing Soulmates by Dodie.
> 
> CW: Alcohol, funerals.

Alyssa was not supposed to be on an empty bus at nine o’clock at night taking her from the airport to Edgewater, Indiana.

She was supposed to be in New York, working on a paper, or at her internship, or doing her reading for the next week’s class. 

Alyssa had just started a graduate program at Columbia University six months ago. She was up to her neck in homework and papers and classes with barely enough time to think, let alone time to travel back to Indiana. That is, until she received a call from her mother last week.

_ “Alyssa? Something’s happened.” _

_ “Mom, you’re freaking me out. What is it?” _

_ “It’s Mrs. Nolan.” _

_ “What, Emma’s mom? I haven’t seen Emma in years--” _

_ “No, not her mom. Betsy.” _

_ Alyssa froze hearing the name of Emma’s grandmother. “W-what happened?” _

_ “She had a heart attack last night.” _

_ “Is she okay?” _

_ A pause. “No, honey. She’s not.” _

Betsy Nolan had been the one adult in Alyssa’s youth that she trusted wholeheartedly. Betsy was there for her when she was still figuring out her sexuality and starting a relationship with Emma. She was there for her when Alyssa came out to her mother and in the tough months that followed. Even after Alyssa and Emma went their separate ways for college, Betsy still called Alyssa to catch up every once in a while, and always sent her a care package for her birthday.

And now she was gone.

Alyssa didn’t think that the news had fully sunk in yet. It probably wouldn’t sink in until she was back in Edgewater, at Betsy’s house, expecting a warm welcome of cookies and a hug, and it never came. It probably wouldn’t sink in until she was at her funeral. She hadn’t cried much yet, but she feared breaking down when she arrived in an Edgewater with no Betsy.

Alyssa glanced out the window at the black night sky. She knew that whatever she was feeling was nothing compared to what Emma was feeling.

_ Emma. _

The last time she saw Emma was when she dropped her off at the airport to go to New York City when they were eighteen. Five years ago.

Alyssa had only been in New York for six months, and most of her time was kept busy with homework and classes. It had been two years since she’s even exchanged so much as a text message with Emma, and Alyssa couldn’t find the courage in herself to reach out again. Now the only communication she had with her ex was liking each others’ Facebook statuses and Instagram posts.

According to her mother, Emma had been back in Edgewater for a week already. She was staying at Betsy’s house again, and having to work with her parents to make funeral arrangements. Alyssa couldn’t imagine how she was doing.

Mrs. Greene was working late, leaving Alyssa to find her own transportation from the airport. Trent had offered to pick her up, but Alyssa insisted that he stay with Emma instead and look out for her.

So Alyssa was on the bus. A bus that was almost empty, except for a man who had fallen asleep. Alyssa hoped he hadn’t missed his stop.

It was dark outside, but Alyssa recognized the familiar terrain out the window, having passed it so many times growing up. They had almost arrived in Edgewater, Indiana. She grabbed her duffel bag from the floor and pulled it onto her lap. She took her phone out of her pocket to check the time and text her mother, but as soon as she unlocked it, the screen went dark and her phone died.

“Great,” Alyssa muttered under her breath.

At least Edgewater was a small town, and the walk from the bus station to her house was easy.

The bus pulled up to the station, and Alyssa walked down the aisle and off the vehicle, stretching her sore legs after a two hour flight and three hour bus ride. The streets were empty this time of night-- an odd change from New York City-- but at least it meant she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew.

Across the street from the bus station was Kim’s Convenience, one of the few drug stores in town. Alyssa decided to make a quick stop and walked out a few minutes later with a bottle of bourbon in a brown paper bag.

Alyssa trudged down the familiar streets, committed to walking straight to her mother’s house and taking a hot bath with a glass of bourbon and then passing out for the night. The route home was like second nature; she didn’t even have to think about where she was going. And because she wasn’t thinking, she forgot what house was on the same path.

Alyssa froze in her tracks when she spotted the familiar house that she had spent so many hours inside years ago, with a certain red pickup truck parked in the driveway. Betsy’s house. The kitchen light was on and there was some movement inside.

Before Alyssa could stop herself, her feet moved of their own accord, up the driveway to the front porch, right in front of the door. Slowly, she brought up her hand and knocked twice.

It was a long wait until someone came to the door. If Alyssa had been mentally present, she might have knocked again, or left, but she was still processing, still stuck, still half expecting Betsy to open the door and hug her tight.

But then, the knob turned, and the door slowly creaked open.

“For the last time, Trent, I don’t need anymore casserole--”

_ Emma _ .

She looked so different. Alyssa had seen some pictures, of course, but Emma had never been one for taking selfies, and pictures were always different from the real thing. Her hair was shorter, much shorter, almost a pixie cut. She pulled it off well. She seemed a little taller, but maybe Alyssa was imagining that. Her eyes were red and tired, and her glasses were pushed up to rest at the top of her head.

_ Five years _ .

Alyssa’s heart ached at the thought of how much she had missed Emma.

Emma’s eyes were wide in shock, and she had trailed off when she realized it was Alyssa at the door. She stared expectantly, and Alyssa realized, Emma must be waiting for her to say something.

“I don’t have any casserole,” she said, the first thing that came to her mind. “Sorry.”

Emma just stared at her in disbelief for a long time. She blinked, rubbed her eyes, and reached out her hand tentatively before quickly pulling it back to her side.

Finally, she spoke. “Y-you’re here?”

Alyssa sighed. “Of course I’m here.”

There was a moment where Emma looked into her eyes and the whole world stopped. Alyssa felt like she couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, like there was a glass wall between them that would shatter at the slightest pressure.

Until Emma’s arms were around Alyssa, holding her tight.

Alyssa froze for a moment in disbelief. Disbelief that Emma was really here, in front of her, holding her again. But it was all too easy for her to sink into the familiar feeling of Emma’s arms around her. It had been five years, but Emma Nolan’s arms still felt like home.

Alyssa wasn’t sure how long they stood there in the doorway. She didn’t cry, she held herself together, as usual. She didn’t think Emma was crying either, but eventually, when they stepped back, there were new tear streaks down her face. Alyssa grabbed her hands.

“When did you get here?”

Alyssa checked her watch. “My bus arrived about ten minutes ago.”

Emma stared at her, until Alyssa started to feel almost uncomfortable under her gaze. It had been so long. Neither of them knew what to say to the other.

“Are you hungry?” Emma asked, finally. “There’s four casseroles in the fridge.”

Alyssa let out a relieved chuckle as the tension suddenly dropped. “From Trent?”

Emma nodded, and opened the door a little wider. “He’s been… attentive.” Alyssa stepped inside and felt a rush of memories.

The place still smelled just like Betsy—a mix of roses from her garden and fresh baked cookies; the woman was always baking. Alyssa took a shaky breath as she looked around at her surroundings.

“I don’t have casserole but I do have this,” she muttered, handing Emma the bottle of bourbon she had just picked up from the store.

Emma looked into the bag and chuckled. “I’ll get us some glasses.”

Emma led Alyssa into the dining room and pushed away some of the papers and photographs that cluttered the table, making room for the two of them. Then she pulled a casserole tray from the fridge, scooped some into a plate, and stuck it in the microwave. Alyssa took off her jacket and hung it on the back of the chair. She leaned over the table and looked at all the pictures laid out in front of her.

Emma returned to the table with two glasses, and poured a generous bit of alcohol into each one. She noticed Alyssa looking over all the pictures and smiled.

“They needed some photos for the service, so I was looking through all these old boxes. And then I just couldn’t stop.”

Alyssa grabbed a photo of Betsy, holding Emma as a baby. Baby Emma was sobbing and wailing, wearing only a diaper, but Betsy had the biggest grin on her face, directed at her granddaughter. Alyssa’s lips turned up in a small smile. “This is cute.”

Emma saw what she was looking at and quickly swiped the picture from her hands. “Oh, god, not that one!”

The microwave dinged, and Emma retrieved the plate and a fork. She set the food down in front of Alyssa, then sat down next to her and took a drink.

“Thanks,” Alyssa muttered. She looked down at the plate of food in front of her and noticed an odd orange dusting on top and raised an eyebrow. “Does this have Cheetos in it?”

Emma nodded. “Trent wanted to try some  _ fun _ recipes. It’s actually pretty good.”

Alyssa took a bite and was surprised at how good it tasted. “You’re right.”

Another awkward silence fell over them as Alyssa ate, and they both sipped at their drinks. The bourbon hit her throat and Alyssa made a face. She hated bourbon, but it seemed appropriate for someone in mourning. When Alyssa finished her plate, she looked up and saw Emma staring distantly at her almost empty glass.

“Hey,” Alyssa said, and Emma startled a bit. “How are you doing?”

She realized it was a stupid question, there was no way Emma was doing anything other than awful, but she wanted to ask, she wanted Emma to know that she still cared.

Emma just shrugged. “Not great, I guess.” She hesitated, and finished off her drink before continuing. “Dealing with my parents has sucked. My dad and I got into a huge fight a few days ago because gran wanted to be cremated, but he wanted an open casket for the funeral. He wouldn’t let it go and started yelling and I-- I just broke down. Trent had to come pick me up from the church.”

“How’s your mom been in all this?”

“Quiet. She hasn’t even talked to me and that’s almost worse.”

Alyssa unscrewed the cap on the bottle and poured them both a little more. “I’m sorry,” she muttered. Alyssa held up her glass, as if to make a toast. “Fuck them.”

Emma giggled and clinked her glass against Alyssa’s. “Fuck them.”

After the initial awkward bump, Emma and Alyssa easily sank back into their old ways, talking, joking around, reminiscing on old memories. It was probably with the help of the alcohol, but with each drink, Alyssa felt warmer and more comfortable. Aside from the dark cloud of Betsy’s funeral that loomed over them, it was almost just like old times. Alyssa lost track of how long they had been chatting.

“Remember when gran let us both skip school and took us to the movies?” Emma asked. They had moved to the couch, and Alyssa had a box of pictures on her lap as she sifted through them.

“Yes!” Alyssa laughed at the memory. “Who knew she could do such a good impression of my mother?”

“What movie did we go see again?”

“I don’t even remember, but she might have the ticket stubs lying around somewhere.”

“Hoarder.”

A ding sounded and Emma fished her phone out of her pocket and read a message. “Speaking of your mother,” she said. “Have you checked your phone lately?”

Alyssa blinked in surprise. “Are you texting my mother?”

“She just wanted to know if I’ve seen you because you’re not answering.”

Alyssa’s face scrunched up.  _ Since when did her mother text Emma? _ “Tell her my phone died.”

Emma nodded and typed out the message. Alyssa watched her, curious, still confused. Emma looked up when she felt Alyssa’s eyes on her. “She’s been… really helpful this past week. I guess she and my grandma became pretty close after we left. She’s hosting the reception tomorrow at your house so we’ve been coordinating some stuff.”

“Huh,” Alyssa leaned back in her seat. “She never told me.”

“I’m really happy for you, Alyssa.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you had told me five years ago Mrs. Greene would be friends with my grandma, I wouldn’t have believed it,” she laughed. “She’s really come around, hasn’t she?”

Alyssa nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I guess she has.” She turned her focus back to the box of photos on her lap and rifled through a few more until she caught sight of one of Emma and Betsy in the truck, Betsy driving and Emma in the passenger seat. Emma was a teenager, and her hair was still long, down to her shoulders, and she had these old, awkward, wiry glasses. “Aww, look at this one.” She pulled it out of the box to get a closer look. “Your hair was so long!”

Emma smiled. “That was when I first moved in here. Gran called me out of school and drove me two hours to Ikea to I could pick out stuff for my room so it would feel more like home.” Alyssa glanced up and saw Emma’s eyes shining with tears. She blinked them away, but one escaped and slid down her cheek. Emma’s eyes flitted over to meet Alyssa’s for a moment, before she cleared her throat and looked away. She stood up from the couch and grabbed her empty glass. “Do you want another drink?”

Alyssa shook her head. “I’m okay, thanks.”

They hadn’t had a lot to drink, but Alyssa was warm and her head was starting to get a little foggy, so she figured she should stop. Emma stumbled a little on her way to the kitchen, and Alyssa considered suggesting she stop too-- but that wasn’t her place.

Emma had been in the kitchen for a few minutes and hadn’t returned, or even said anything. Curious, and a little worried, Alyssa set aside the box of photos, got up from the couch, and made her way into the kitchen where she found Emma gripping the counter, crying silently to herself.

Alyssa cleared her throat to make her presence known and walked up to Emma. She touched her shoulder, and Emma tensed for a moment, before her shoulders slumped and she let out an audible sob.

“Oh, Emma,” Alyssa muttered, and pulled Emma into her arms, holding her tight. Emma sobbed into her shoulder.

“I miss her so much,” she cried.

Alyssa held her gently and stroked the soft hair at the top of her head. “Me too.” She didn’t want to cry, not in front of Emma. So Alyssa took a deep breath and blinked away the tears that burned at her eyes.

Eventually, Emma’s sobbing slowed, and her short, ragged breaths, evened out. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she leaned back and looked down at Alyssa, staying in her arms.

Alyssa realized how close they were standing and her breath caught in her throat. She didn’t trust her voice, so she just looked into Emma’s shining, golden eyes.  _ Let go _ , her brain said, but her arms held Emma even tighter.

Emma’s eyes flitted down to her lips, and before Alyssa could react, Emma was kissing her. It was messy, and Emma tasted of bourbon and her cheeks were still wet with tears. Alyssa’s body reacted instinctively, kissing her back for just a moment, before realizing that this was a very, very bad idea and pushed Emma away, gently by her shoulders.

“Emma--”

“Alyssa, I’m so sorry.” Emma stepped back and buried her face in her hands, too embarrassed to even look at Alyssa. “I don’t know why I did that.”

“It’s okay.” Alyssa pursed her lips and folded her arms over her chest, closing herself off, trying to distance herself. “We’ve been drinking and-- and we haven’t seen each other in a while. But I should go, and you should get some sleep.”

“Yeah, of course…” Emma didn’t move, frozen in place. Alyssa’s heart ached for her.

She grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with cold water. Then, she placed it on the counter next to where Emma stood. “Drink some water and go to bed,” Alyssa muttered. “I’ll let myself out.” She grabbed her jacket and her duffel bag from the other room and headed to the front door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Emma.”

“Bye.”

Alyssa stepped out into the cool early spring night air and let out a breath before she marched down the driveway and away from Emma.

Alyssa wasn’t sure what she had expected upon seeing Emma again. Maybe some awkward conversation and catching up, but this? This was too much.

The door to her mother’s house was unlocked, and her mom seemed to be already asleep. The place was spotless. Furniture was pushed to the side and white tables were lined up with empty plates for tomorrow after the funeral. Alyssa walked past and upstairs to her bedroom. She dropped her duffel bag at the foot of her bed and walked straight to her closet, reaching up for a box stored on the top shelf.

Alyssa brought the small shoebox to her bed, sat down, and opened it. She pushed past various ticket stubs and small stuffed animals and photo strips and trinkets to find what she was looking for: the book Emma had given her just before they broke up. Alyssa blew the dust off the cover and opened it carefully. She flipped through each page, replaying the memories in her head.

Her eyes fluttered shut as she absently brushed her bottom lip with the pad of her thumb, still feeling the ghost of Emma’s kiss. In five years, she had forgotten how soft her lips were. She had forgotten about the blissful feeling in her gut whenever their lips met. All Alyssa wanted for so long was to kiss Emma again, but not like this. Emma was grieving and not in her right mind, and Alyssa would never forgive herself if she took advantage of that.

And it had been five years. Alyssa should, logically, be over Emma. She had dated and dumped a few girls since then. She was used to the pattern of heartbreak by now. But Emma was an old scar that had never quite healed properly because she didn’t know how to fix it, and now it was bleeding again.

Alyssa sighed and set the book aside. She saw a birthday card in the box and pulled it out, remembering exactly what it was from. She flipped it open and saw the familiar cursive writing in the card.

_ Happy Birthday Alyssa! I hope California is treating you well and I hope your classes aren’t too hard. Here’s a few goodies to get you through the rest of the semester (including your favorite chocolate chunk cookies. Don’t eat them all at once!) We all miss you here in Indiana. Hope you can come visit soon. _

_ Love, Betsy _

Alyssa stared blankly at the card. This was the first time she heard from Betsy after she had left for school. After she and Emma broke up. Alyssa had been struggling to make friends and had a hard time adjusting in her first semester of school, but Betsy’s birthday wishes felt like a warm hug telling her everything would be okay. Betsy never stopped caring about Alyssa, always checking in on her and sending her care packages. Alyssa always went to visit when she came home, and always made sure to call her every month or so.

Staring at the card, Alyssa’s hands started to tremble. She had been holding herself together for a week since she heard the news, but now it was a reality. She was back home in Edgewater and Betsy Nolan was gone.

Now Alyssa was bursting at the seams, and didn’t have the energy to keep patching herself up.

She sobbed until her pillow was soaked, until she couldn’t breathe, until she was too exhausted to cry anymore, until she drifted off to sleep, still wearing the same jeans she wore on her flight.

Her mother found her early in the morning fast asleep, clutching the birthday card to her chest.

The morning of the funeral was a blur.

Alyssa barely remembers waking up, saying hi to her mother, taking a shower, getting dressed. She didn’t even remember if she ate breakfast before getting into the passenger seat of her mother’s car and heading to the church.

Alyssa was on autopilot as she said hello to friends and loved ones, people she hadn’t seen in a while, all gathered together to remember Betsy. Barry, Trent, Angie, and Sheldon were all together, and each of them wrapped Alyssa in a big hug the moment they saw her. Mr. Hawkins arrived a few minutes later with Dee Dee. Dee Dee was never one for physical affection, but she didn’t hesitate to hug Alyssa as well.

And then there were all her old classmates, people who had barely known Betsy.

Shelby and Kaylee arrived together. Alyssa hadn’t really stayed in touch with them because, although they apologized, she had still been hurt by their betrayal when they didn’t tell her about the fake prom. But it all seemed like so long ago now, and Alyssa hugged her old friends. They at least knew how important Betsy was to her.

Alyssa didn’t even catch a glimpse of Emma before everyone shuffled into the church. Her mother guided them to the front and into the second pew.

She barely remembered the ceremony, too tired to cry, too tired to listen. But then, at the end, the priest called up Emma for her eulogy and Alyssa’s attention piqued.

She watched as Barry squeezed Emma’s hand before she walked to the podium at the front. She pulled a folded up piece of paper out of her pocket and cleared her throat.

Emma had never liked talking in front of people. She was on the verge of tears, and looked like she was going to be sick.

“Hi,” Emma said, voice trembling. She winced when the speakers emitted high pitched feedback and leaned away from the microphone. “I’m Emma and Betsy Nolan is my grandma.”

She stared blankly into the crowd for a moment, mouth gaping, then shook her head and looked down at the paper in her hands and began to read. “Betsy was my grandma, but she was more like my mom. She took me in when-- when my own parents didn’t want me, and l--loved me more than they ever… ever…” Emma turned away from the microphone and sobbed, bringing a hand up to her mouth.

Everyone in the church was silent, waiting for her to continue, but she couldn’t. Alyssa glanced across the aisle and met Barry’s eyes for a moment. And suddenly, her feet were moving without her as she stood and walked up to Emma crying at the podium.

“Emma,” she whispered, rubbing her back and taking the paper from her hands. “I’ve got you.”

Emma looked up at her, glasses fogged up, tears streaming down her cheeks, and nodded. Alyssa held the paper and her other hand found Emma’s. She laced their fingers together and gave a reassuring squeeze, then read the words off the page, thankful that she could understand Emma’s messy scrawl.

“Betsy knew I was gay before I even did. Even before I came out, she kept buying me various rainbow paraphernalia until I got the hint and finally came out to her. She was the first person that I ever told, and when I did, she baked me a cake with a rainbow on it to celebrate and immediately asked if I had a girlfriend.” There was a small chuckle from the crowd. Alyssa smiled and blinked away the tears. “But then she told me that she would always love me, and she’s spent every day since then proving it to be true.”

As Alyssa read the words on the page, her mind was flooded with memories of Betsy, her warm smile, her hearty laugh, her backbreaking hugs. Her eyes stung as tears welled, but she couldn’t cry right now. Emma needed her, so Alyssa blinked away the tears and continued on.

“If you’re here today, that’s because you know how wonderful my grandmother was. Betsy Nolan was my best friend. She was the nicest person you’d ever meet. She was fiercely protective of the people she cared about, and if you were part of that group, you’re one of the luckiest people in the world. And she made the best damn chocolate chunk cookies you’ve ever had.”

Alyssa paused as the crowd chuckled again and glanced over at Emma, who had stopped sobbing and now watched her intently, a few tears spilling each time she blinked. Emma mouthed to her,  _ thank you _ .

Alyssa squeezed her hand again.

“If Betsy has taught us anything, it’s that we have to love each other. It’s because of her I know how loved I am. I don’t know if I believe in heaven, or any sort of afterlife, but I hope I get to see you again someday. I’m going to miss you so much, gran. I hope I make you proud.”

After a brief pause, there was a scattered applause and sniffles from the crowd as people were moved to tears by the speech, but Alyssa turned to Emma and pulled her to the side.

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

Emma shook her head.

“Come here.” Alyssa held her hand tight and dragged her out the side door of the church.

It was warm and humid outside, a little cloudy with a slight breeze-- a lovely spring day. Alyssa marched down the steps at the side of the church and looped around the back.

“Alyssa, we have--we have to go back in, it’s not over--”

“It doesn’t matter, it’s almost over,” Alyssa said, dragging Emma along behind her. “It’s okay if you need to take a minute.”

She found a stone bench in the shade and sat down with Emma, their hands still clutched together between them.

Emma stared ahead, dazed for a moment, before she turned to Alyssa. “Why did you do that?” she asked. “Why are you here?”

Alyssa shrugged. Could she explain why her body acted of its own accord and carried her up there to help Emma? Not really. “I didn’t want you to have to do this alone.”

Emma held her gaze for a moment, and opened her mouth to reply, but as she did, the back doors of the church opened and everyone began to trickle out the doors.

Emma let out a sigh and glanced at the people making their way over and mingling outside. “I guess I should go thank everybody for coming,” she muttered.

Alyssa nodded. “I’ll see you at the reception.”

Emma released Alyssa’s hand and stood up from the bench. Alyssa watched as she walked over and started talking to Mr. Hawkins. She watched as everyone slowly trailed out of the church. Emma’s parents came out last, keeping toward the back of the crowd and avoiding talking to anyone.

Alyssa’s fist clenched. She knew they would be here, of course, but in her opinion they had no right to be. They had caused Emma and Betsy nothing but pain and misery since Emma came out, and had done nothing to reconcile that. Alyssa almost wished they would try something so she could have some strong words with them, but she also wanted the day to be as painless as possible for Emma.

She hardly noticed someone walking up to the bench until Barry Glickman sat down next to her. “How you doing, hon?” 

“I’m okay,” Alyssa said.

“That was really sweet, what you did for her.”

Alyssa shrugged. “You would have done the same.”

“Please,” Barry scoffed. “I was a blubbering mess. I could not have held it together like that. You’re strong, Alyssa.”

Alyssa didn’t know what to say, so she just shook her head. Barry sat with her in a comfortable silence for a moment, watching as Emma made her way through the crowd, thanking everyone for coming, while Alyssa’s mom followed behind her, telling everybody to come to her house after for the reception.

“So how long have you been in New York, and why haven’t you come to visit yet?”

Alyssa gaped at Barry. “How did you--”

“I use Instagram sometimes! I’m not  _ that _ old!” Barry frowned.

“I know,” Alyssa sighed. “But I just started grad school and I’ve been so busy with--”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Barry mimicked. “I’m not buying it.”

It was frustrating how Barry was so good at seeing right through any facade she tried to put up. Alyssa glared at him. “Okay, so maybe I was scared to reach out. But in my defense, Emma didn’t either.”

“Okay, no need to play the blame game,” Barry said. “I’m not mad, and neither is she.”

“She’s not?”

Barry shook his head. “No, she’s trying not to care because she assumes you don’t care.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“I know. You’re here.”

“It’s been a really long time, Barry,” Alyssa sighed. “Coming back here was scary enough, but seeing her again… it’s like coming home. And it scares me that it’s been this long and I still care about her so much.”

“Don’t tell her I told you, but she feels the same.” Alyssa gasped. Sure, before a week ago, she thought about Emma sometimes. She thought about reuniting with her, getting back together, falling in love all over again. But it was more of a pipe dream, wishful thinking. Alyssa was lonely and Emma was the only girlfriend she had that she truly loved. “I know things are rough right now, but Emma needs people who care about her now more than ever. Don’t be a stranger.”

Slowly, Alyssa nodded. “Okay.”

Barry threw an arm over her shoulder and gave her a side hug. “And you know, she’s not the only one who’s missed you.”

Shortly after her conversation with Barry, Alyssa’s mother drove them back to the house to open the doors and set up the food to prepare for everyone’s arrival.

Alyssa carried a few platters of food out to the tables and started unwrapping the foil while her mother stood next to her, laying out plates and utensils and napkins. Alyssa remembered last night, the way her mom had texted Emma, and there was the whole fact that she was hosting this reception in the first place.

“Hey, mom,” Alyssa piped up. “When did you become such good friends with Betsy?”

Her mother shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. After you girls left for college we were both pretty lonely. And Lord knows neither of you came to visit very often. I invited her over for dinner a few times and realized we really got along.”

“Oh.”

“And…” Her mother hesitated. She looked to her daughter affectionately and tucked a curl behind her ear. Alyssa felt her mother’s hand under her chin, tilting it up to look her in the eyes. “There was so much of your life that I missed,” she sighed. “So much that you hid from me before I knew... before I listened to you. And Betsy was there for you through all of that. There were some things she understood about you that I didn’t because I missed so much. You were away at school and I was still trying to get you to trust me again, but Betsy really helped me understand. I’ll always be grateful to her for that.”

Alyssa was speechless. Instead of saying anything, she threw her arms around her mother as her eyes filled with tears. “I love you, mom.”

They pulled away when there was a knock at the door. Alyssa’s mother squeezed her shoulders, then wiped away a few tears from her own eyes. “It’s open!” she called out.

The door opened and Angie walked inside, followed closely by Trent. “Hey! We left a little early. Do you need any help setting up?”

“Yes, if you could grab some chairs from the back, that would be wonderful.”

“I’ll leave the door open,” Trent said. “People should be getting here soon.”

The house slowly filled with guests, everyone from town, here to reminisce about Betsy Nolan. Alyssa kept herself busy refilling food and cleaning up, not wanting to talk or think about Betsy. She just had to hold herself together until the reception was over. For now, Alyssa steeled herself, distracted herself, and refused to make eye contact with anyone. Every time someone even said Betsy’s name, Alyssa felt her resolve crumbling.

Emma arrived late with Barry, and as soon as she stepped inside, she was swarmed with people offering their condolences. She looked overwhelmed and Alyssa wished she could step in and rescue her.

The last people to arrive, though, were Emma’s parents.

The room fell silent as Mr. and Mrs. Nolan stepped into the house, and Emma’s eyes grew wide. They were at the funeral, but no one had expected them to have the audacity to show up at the reception after. Alyssa was torn between rushing across the room to hold Emma’s hand, and marching up to Mr. and Mrs. Nolan and telling them off.

Luckily for Alyssa, she didn’t have to. She watched as her own mother marched up to them in the doorway before they could step any further into the house.

“Mr. and Mrs. Nolan,” she said with a curt nod. “What are you doing here?”

“Veronica, please, call me--”

“I said, what are you doing here?”

Mr. Nolan’s stoic demeanor shifted to a glare. “It’s my mother’s funeral.”

“Oh, so suddenly parenthood means something to you?” There was a soft gasp throughout the crowd.

“I have a right to be here!”

“No you don’t.” Alyssa watched as her mother stepped up to Mr. Nolan and pushed his chest so he moved backwards out the door. “Betsy told me all about you, how you barely spoke to her after she took in your own daughter for you. I wasn’t going to say anything at the church because who am I to kick someone out of a public place of worship, but this is my home, and you are  _ not _ welcome here.”

Mrs. Nolan stood idly by, watching, saying nothing, until Alyssa’s mom turned to her as well.

“Would you like some words as well? Because I’ve got plenty more where that came from.” She gestured out the door, and the pair exited the gathering quietly.

Alyssa’s feet were still rooted to the ground beneath her, unable to step forward. The room was silent after Mrs. Greene’s outburst, but slowly the chatter built up again. Alyssa watched as her mother walked up to Emma and put a hand on her shoulder, and then Emma hugged her.

It was a strange sight, something that Alyssa had never imagined she would see, and it was what finally broke her.

Alyssa’s breath caught in her throat as tears began to spill down her cheeks. She was suddenly thankful that they were in her own home. Emma caught her eye from across the room, but before she or anyone else could try to comfort her, Alyssa had disappeared down the hall and upstairs to her bedroom where collapsed into her bed and sobbed until she was too emotionally exhausted to keep her eyes open.

After the funeral, Alyssa didn’t have plans to stay in Edgewater for very long. She had to get back to New York, back to school, back to her life. Her flight was a day after the funeral, in the early afternoon, but she found it difficult to leave. Betsy was already gone, but leaving Edgewater was like leaving her behind, putting her in the past, and Alyssa didn’t think she was ready for that.

Before Alyssa had to catch her bus to the airport, she stopped by Betsy Nolan’s house one last time. In part to take her own moment to say goodbye, but also in part to see Emma again. They didn’t get much of a chance to talk after the funeral, and after her conversation with Barry, Alyssa refused to leave thinking she would never see Emma Nolan again. Once was painful enough, and she missed her best friend.

For the second time in three days, Alyssa found herself walking up the driveway past the red pickup truck and knocking on Betsy’s front door.

It was still early, a little after nine in the morning, but Emma was quick to answer. She looked tired, still wearing her pajamas of sweats and a tank top, but what caught Alyssa’s attention was the silver necklace that hung around her neck.

The same necklace that Alyssa had given her five years ago.

Alyssa didn’t speak for a moment, staring at the music note that sat on her chest, until Emma cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow at Alyssa.

Alyssa blinked and brought her eyes up to meet Emma’s. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I just-- your necklace.”

Emma glanced down, as if suddenly remembering she was wearing it. “Oh.” Her cheeks tinged red. “Yeah, I mean, I usually wear it. Out of habit I guess. It’s-- um-- a nice necklace.” Emma cleared her throat and glanced down at the duffel bag in Alyssa’s hands. “You’re leaving?”

Alyssa nodded. “I have to get back to school so I’m flying out today.” Emma didn’t say anything, so Alyssa took a deep breath and blurted out, “I live in New York now.”

“I know.”

“Um, I just started grad school and I’m busy and still getting used to everything,” Alyssa explained. “I don’t know how long you’re going to be in Indiana, but I’d really like to see you when you get back to the city.”

“You would?” Emma seemed genuinely surprised and that just made Alyssa feel even worse.

Alyssa felt her eyes burning with tears. She blinked them away and pursed her lips. “Yeah. I meant it when I said you would always be my best friend and… and I miss you, Emma. You’re my best friend. And when you get back to New York, if you want to get lunch or-- or coffee. If you want to just catch up, or if you need anything, please call me. My number hasn’t changed. Or text. Email. Carrier pigeon. Smoke signal. Whatever.”

Alyssa held her breath as Emma said nothing. Had she come on too strong? Alyssa couldn’t tell if it was because she didn’t know what to say or because she didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Maybe not knowing would be better. Alyssa checked the time and frowned.

“My bus leaves in like ten minutes,” she said. “And if I miss that, then I miss my flight, so… I should get going.” Alyssa turned around and walked down the driveway, trying not to think about how much this hurt.

“Wait,” Emma called out, finally. Alyssa turned to her and she was still just standing in the doorway, but she continued. “I’ll be back in a week. I’ll see you then.”

One week. Alyssa had survived five years without Emma Nolan, she could make it one week.


	3. hold me closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes a while, but Emma and Alyssa finally reconnect in New York City. At least, they try to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the brief hiatus. I had major writers block on this chapter and I scrapped everything I had written and started over multiple times, but it’s finally somewhere that I don’t hate it so I’m going to post it now before I start to hate it again.
> 
> Also, this was originally much longer, but I decided to split what I had written in two parts, so I’ve updated the chapter count. The next part is already written, I just need a little more time to get it to a place where I’m happy with it, and about half of the epilogue is already written as well. Hopefully future updates will happen a bit more quickly now!
> 
> I know our hearts are all still hurting after closing, but I am so happy that this fandom is so wonderful and will keep the spirit of The Prom alive 💜
> 
> CW: Panic attack

When Emma didn’t call exactly one week later, Alyssa would be lying if she said she wasn’t disappointed. She resisted the urge to text her or send a message on Facebook. When she left Edgewater, Alyssa had left the ball in Emma’s court, and as painful as it was, she would wait.

Alyssa threw all her attention into her studies to distract herself, reading weeks ahead for class, getting a head start on most of her assignments for the rest of the semester. At least her internship kept her busy as well. Alyssa was getting her master’s in social work and was placed at an elementary school guidance office for her hours. As difficult as children were to deal with, at least they kept her brain occupied for six hours a day when she was working.

Waiting for Emma to call was far too distracting. Alyssa had always been a very focused person, but as the weeks dragged on, even though she tried to lose herself in her schoolwork so she wouldn’t have to think about Emma, she found it harder and harder to pay attention to her assignments or lectures. Even her classmates started to notice something was off.

It was nearing the three week mark, and Alyssa was starting to lose hope that Emma would ever reach out. She had left things up to Emma because she had thought, maybe something was still there. Some part of Emma that still wanted Alyssa in her life, even just as friends.

Maybe she had been wrong.

Alyssa arrived at class early one evening and found a seat. They were still waiting on a handful of people and their professor to arrive, so Alyssa unlocked her phone. She knew Emma hadn’t texted her, but she looked at Emma’s contact info. She was so tempted to send a quick text, a  _ hello _ or  _ how are you doing _ , but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“That questionnaire was bogus, right?” Alyssa’s friend Grey slid into the seat next to her and unzipped his backpack to grab his laptop.

“Oh, I bullshitted every single answer,” said Dani, as they walked inside next and sat down on Alyssa’s other side.

Alyssa looked at both of them and lowered her phone. “What questionnaire?”

“The one we had to submit before class?”

Alyssa pulled out her planner and flipped through it, looking for any note she might have made in the last few weeks about a questionnaire and found nothing. “Shit.”

“It’s just one assignment,” Grey said. “I’m sure it won’t matter too much.”

Alyssa just shrugged. This wasn’t like her, forgetting to write things down, missing assignments. She didn’t care about a perfect GPA to satisfy her mother anymore, but she cared about doing well for herself.

“You okay Alyssa?” Dani asked. “You’ve been a little off for a few weeks.”

“Yeah, I’m-- I’m fine,” Alyssa deflected. “Just stressed, I guess.”

Dani didn’t look like they believed her, but dropped the subject when their professor arrived and started tonight’s lecture.

It was halfway through their lecture that night when Alyssa’s phone started vibrating on the table next to her. She was lucky that it was on top of her notebook because the sound of the vibrations didn’t attract the attention of their teacher, but it did catch the notice of her friends who sat next to her.

Alyssa was going to ignore the call until she saw Emma’s name on her screen.

She quickly muttered something about going to the bathroom before she darted out of the room and outside where she answered the call.

“Emma, hi! I was starting to think you wouldn’t call.” Alyssa tried to keep her voice calm so she didn’t sound so desperate, but she wasn’t sure how well it worked. She was too eager, too excited. There was no response for a moment, and Alyssa was about to say her name again when she heard a sniffle.

“I’m sorry,” Emma’s voice was tired, and she sounded like she had been crying. “I shouldn’t have--”

Alyssa felt the breath leave her lungs when she heard how panicked Emma sounded. “Emma, what’s wrong?” The line fell silent again, but Alyssa could still hear Emma’s sobs and erratic breath. “Em, talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, I-- I didn’t know who else to call.”

“What happened? Where are you?”

“I’m at work,” Emma muttered. “Locked myself in the bathroom.”

“Okay, good. What can I do?”

“I-- I don’t know.”

“Where do you work?”

“What?”

“Emma, where do you work?”

“Um, the Music Box. It’s this-- this music shop in Hell’s Kitchen.”

Alyssa quickly looked up the place on her phone. If she hurried, she could be there in less than twenty minutes. “Emma, I’m coming.”

“You’re--what?”

“Will you be okay for twenty minutes?”

“I--I don’t--”

“I’ll stay on the line, okay? Just give me a second.”

Alyssa lowered her phone and hid it behind her back before she reentered the classroom to grab her things.

“I’m not feeling well, I have to go,” Alyssa called out, ignoring the confused looks from her classmates and professor as she grabbed her things and ran out the door to the nearest subway station.

Alyssa stayed on the phone with Emma the whole time, and Emma started to calm down when she was about halfway there. It was difficult for Emma to talk through her panic attack, so Alyssa did most of the talking. She told Emma everything that she saw along the way. The dogs she passed by on the streets, the performers on the train, the book that the kid next to her was reading, what stop she was at.

Finally, Alyssa stepped out onto the streets of Hell’s Kitchen, walked down the block, and looked around for the store that Emma mentioned until finally she saw it, hidden between two much larger, more exciting looking shops, across the street.

Alyssa darted across the street where she was, almost getting hit by a taxi in the process. The driver honked at her. She flipped him off with her free hand, and then pushed open the doors to a soft chime.

She didn’t have much time to take in the rows of CDs and records that lined the floor on one side, and the used instruments hanging from the walls. Alyssa’s eyes scanned the room for someone who could help her until she spotted an employee wearing a polo shirt and a nametag that Alyssa read as she approached.

“Hi, Sigrid? Where’s your bathroom?”

Her eyes flicked to the back corner momentarily before she cleared her throat and said, “Sorry, our bathroom is out of order right now.”

“Um, I’m a friend of Emma’s.”

Sigrid’s eyes widened in realization and she nodded, pointing Alyssa to a door in the back corner. Alyssa thanked her and hurried over. She still had the phone on, so as she knocked on the door she said, “Emma? I’m here.”

The call ended on her phone, and Alyssa heard the lock turn on the bathroom door. The door opened a little, and Alyssa stepped inside, closing it behind her.

Emma sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall, legs curled up in front of her. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked exhausted, but she appeared to have calmed down significantly from when she had first called. Alyssa tried not to think about how dirty the bathroom floor probably was as she sat down next to Emma on the ground.

“You didn’t have to come all the way over here,” Emma muttered, not looking at Alyssa.

“I said I’m here for you and I meant that.” Emma said nothing, so Alyssa continued. “What happened?”

Emma sniffled. “I was at work and Tiny Dancer came on the radio. It was her favorite song.”

_ Betsy _ . Alyssa felt tears spring to her eyes. “She loved Elton John.”

“When I came out to her, she made me listen to so much Elton John,” Emma said with a soft chuckle. “She knew I liked writing music and stuff and wanted me to have a cool gay icon to look up to or something.” Emma sighed and buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know. It was too much and before I knew it I was having a panic attack and I didn’t know what to do and--”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Alyssa cut Emma off before she began to ramble too much and spiraled into another panic attack. She put an arm over Emma’s shoulders and gave her an awkward side hug. “You’re okay.”

Emma looked up and noticed Alyssa’s backpack on the floor next to them. “Were you busy?”

“No, I was just finishing up class,” Alyssa lied.

“I’m sorry, I just— Barry had a show tonight and Angie is out of the country, and Trent is in tech week for James Madison’s production of Grease, and Dee Dee is always busy so I never really bother her with stuff like this, and you were the only other person I could think of to call because you actually knew her.”

“Emma, you don’t have to apologize. You’re not a burden.”

Emma’s shoulders slumped and she leaned over and rested her head on Alyssa’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I never called when I got back in town,” she sighed.

“Oh, I uh— I wasn’t waiting for you to— it’s fine.”

“No, I should have texted or something,” Emma frowned. “I was just scared and shutting everyone out. But I kind of miss you too.”

“Kind of?” Alyssa asked with a soft chuckle.

Emma rolled her eyes playfully. Clearly she was feeling a little better. “Thank you for coming.”

“Anytime.”

Emma didn’t say anything else, but she didn’t move her head from Alyssa’s shoulder either. Alyssa sat there next to Emma as tears threatened to fall and her heart beat a little too fast, Alyssa knew she would drop just about anything if Emma needed her.

Alyssa was content to stay in this position for as long as Emma wanted, but she thought maybe, now that Emma had calmed down, they should remove themselves from the bathroom floor.

“Um,” Alyssa cleared her throat. “Do you think you’re feeling up to leaving the bathroom?”

Emma puffed out her cheeks as she sat up and exhaled. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay now.”

Alyssa picked herself up off the floor and held out a hand to help Emma up. Emma gave a sad smile up at her from the floor and slipped her hand into Alyssa’s as she stood to her feet.

As they left the bathroom, Emma wandered over to the front desk. “Hey Sig?” she called out to the woman Alyssa had spoken to earlier. “Is it okay if I head home a little early today?”

Sigrid nodded. “I’m fine to close up. Feel better, Emma.”

“Thanks.” Emma grabbed a backpack from behind the counter and slung it over her shoulder.

As Alyssa went to follow Emma out of the store, Sigrid stepped forward and stopped her with a hand on her arm. “Thanks for coming,” she said. “I’m glad she has people looking out for her.”

Alyssa glanced over her shoulder at Emma, clutching nervously to the straps of her backpack and brushing the hair out of her face as she walked toward the door. “Me too,” Alyssa muttered.

As they got to the front doors, Emma turned to Alyssa. “Um, I think I’m just gonna go home and go to sleep,” she said, looking at the ground. “I’m exhausted. But I really-- are you free for lunch this weekend?”

Alyssa nodded immediately. “Yes.”

“Cool,” Emma muttered, backing away. “I’ll um— I’ll text you.”

“Emma, wait.”

When Emma stopped, Alyssa took a step forward and threw her arms around her in a tight embrace. This seemed to catch Emma by surprise, but after a moment, she relaxed and brought her hands up to Alyssa’s back. Emma held Alyssa even closer and sighed against her shoulder. Alyssa wasn’t sure if this hug was more for Emma or for herself, but she never wanted to let go.

Finally, the door behind them chimed as a customer walked inside, and they jumped apart so the person could step past them.

“I’ll see you this weekend,” Emma muttered.

“See you.”

Alyssa followed Emma outside and watched as she turned on her heel and walked down the street in the opposite direction that Alyssa was heading. As Emma turned the corner at the end of the block, she turned around and her eyes met Alyssa’s once again. With a quick wave, she disappeared.

Alyssa returned to her apartment that night and fell asleep listening to Elton John.

That Saturday, Alyssa did her best to quell her anxiety as she triple checked the address that Emma had texted her. The restaurant was in Brooklyn, a bit of a trek from where she lived.

As Alyssa wandered into the quaint little deli, she wondered how Emma discovered this place, if she lived around here, what she liked to order. And then Alyssa realized that she could actually ask Emma these things, if she wanted. No more blindly wondering what Emma was up to, hoping to maybe run into her on the street one day. Alyssa scanned the room and spotted Emma’s familiar head in the back corner, scribbling something down in a notebook as she sat, not even paying attention to her surroundings.

Alyssa weaved through the tables and the patrons, making her way to the table where Emma sat. Once Alyssa was right next to her, Emma still hadn’t looked up or even noticed her presence. Alyssa cleared her throat, and Emma startled briefly, but smiled when she saw her.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Alyssa sat down in the chair across from Emma and reached for a paper menu as she looked around. “This is a cool place. Any recommendations on what to order?”

“Hm,” Emma thought for a moment, studying Alyssa. “I think you’ll like the pastrami.”

“I trust you,” Alyssa said, setting down her menu, not even bothering to look at the options. “Pastrami it is.”

Emma rolled her eyes, but gave her a small smile.

“So how did you find this place?”

“Barry took me here,” Emma explained. “It’s his favorite deli. He comes here so often they always give him free dessert.”

Alyssa chuckled. “Of course they do.”

“I’m gonna go order our food,” Emma said, getting up from her seat. “You stay here so we don’t lose our table. It’s the best one in the house.”

“Good to know.”

She watched as Emma walked up to the counter and got in line. The tables around them were crowded, but the line to order was short; they must have just missed the lunch rush. Alyssa wondered if Emma had planned that on purpose, and if she came here as often as Barry did. She watched as Emma walked up to the cashier and chatted amiably, as though they were good friends. Emma threw her head back in a laugh that Alyssa could hear from across the room and Alyssa smiled. She had missed that sound.

And she was sure that every time she tried to convince herself she was completely over Emma Nolan over these past few years, she was only kidding herself.

Emma still held Alyssa’s heart, and she always would.

It surprised Alyssa when both Emma and the cashier looked over in her direction and caught her staring. Alyssa blushed, but when Emma gave her an awkward wave, she waved back, then turned around and focused her attention on deciphering something that had been carved into the tabletop.

She didn’t look up until Emma sat down across from her once again. She had two glasses of water and slid one to Alyssa.

“Were you talking about me?” Alyssa asked, a teasing smile on her lips. She couldn’t help but prod when she loved to see Emma blush.

Emma surprised her again by replying, coy, “Were you staring at me?”

Alyssa’s cheeks flushed again. “Guilty.”

They chuckled and a brief silence fell between them. Alyssa looked up at Emma whose eyes were glued to the table. She had just seen Emma back in Edgewater, and a few short days ago when Emma called her, but their focus had been on the funeral and on Betsy. Alyssa realized she still had no idea what Emma had been up to the last five years and she had so many questions.

“So—”

“You—”

Emma and Alyssa spoke at the same time and stopped themselves. Alyssa gave an awkward laugh.

“Sorry,” Emma said.

“I guess let’s just get the awkward catching up out of the way,” Alyssa said with a shrug. “Seriously, what have you been up to?”

“Well,” Emma started, hesitating for a moment as she wondered where to start. “I went to NYU. Graduated two years ago. I worked a lot of odd jobs before I found this gig at the Music Box. I walked dogs for a while.”

“You walked dogs?”

“Oh yeah, there was this Great Dane that was almost as tall as me. His name was Richard. He was a sweetheart.” Emma grinned and continued. “I did that for a while and tried finding work with a temp agency but all that stuff was super boring, so I wanted something that wouldn’t make me want to pull out my hair every day. But I actually just wandered into the shop one day looking at music and Sig and I got talking for hours and I came back all the time and eventually she offered me a job there. She also lets me use the space to give guitar lessons sometimes.”

“That’s really awesome,” Alyssa said. “I’m happy for you. And you get to see Barry a lot?”

Emma nodded, taking a sip of her water. “Yeah, he likes to get lunch or dinner at least once a month to check in on me. And Angie. And Sheldon. Dee Dee I only see every once in a while because she’s so busy, but they’re all great.”

“That’s good, I’ve missed them.”

“What about you? You’re back in school now?”

Alyssa nodded. “Yeah, after I graduated I stayed in California for a bit, doing some nonprofit work with homeless centers and eventually I decided to apply for grad school. Getting my master’s in social work.”

“Wow,” Emma muttered. “What do you even do with that?”

“I um— I really want to work as a guidance counselor at a high school,” Alyssa said, averting her gaze back to the table. “You know, give kids the help that we didn’t really have back then.” She glanced back up to see Emma looking at her with a wonder in her hazel eyes and a small smile.

“That’s kind of amazing,” she mused.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I always knew you’d be changing the world one day.”

Alyssa grew flustered at Emma’s comment, but kept talking to distract herself. “Um, I’m interning at an elementary school right now, which sucks. I’m hoping for a high school placement next year. But it’s almost summer, and then I’ve just got one more year.”

“And then what?”

Alyssa shrugged. “I don’t know.” She hesitated, wanting to gage Emma’s reaction, and added, “I haven’t been here long, but I’m really liking New York. I might stick around a while.” She saw Emma’s smile grow, and the anxiety within her subsided just a little bit more.

They were interrupted when a waiter dropped off their food and Alyssa’s eyes bulged at the sight of these sandwiches. They were  _ huge,  _ probably close to the size of her own face, and stuffed with meat until they were about to burst. She heard Emma stifle a giggle and looked up at her.

“Emma, this is enormous,” Alyssa laughed. “Are we supposed to eat the whole thing? This could feed a family of four.”

“Don’t be a coward,” Emma said with a challenging glare, and took a bite of her own sandwich.

Alyssa was never one to back down from a challenge. She cleaned her plate.

The conversation slowed for a while as they focused on eating, and Alyssa, determined to finish her sandwich, ate quickly before she became too full. By the time she ate the last bite and leaned back in her chair, Emma was only a little more than halfway finished.

“Impressive,” Emma muttered with a mouthful of food. “It took me at least a few visits here to actually finish all my food.”

Alyssa groaned as she stretched out, her belly almost uncomfortably full. “I have. So many regrets.” Emma laughed, and then as if on cue, a plate with a slice of cheesecake was placed on their table. “Did you order dessert?”

Emma shook her head. “I may or may not come here as much as Barry does. Hope you like cheesecake.”

“Oh god, I don’t know if I can eat another bite.”

“Come on, Alyssa, it’s really good cheesecake!” Emma held out a plastic fork and raised an eyebrow at her.

Alyssa hesitantly reached out and took the fork. She stared at the cheesecake and slowly reached out the fork to take a small bite-sized piece, took a deep breath, and ate it.

“Oh my god,” she sighed. “That’s delicious.”

“Told you.”

“No wonder you come here so often.”

Emma shrugged, bashful. “It’s just very comforting here. The people are friendly and the food is good. And… Barry took me here when I first got to New York.” Emma hesitated, and Alyssa froze as her words sunk in. When Emma first got to New York… right after they broke up. “I hadn’t even been in the city a day and— and I hadn’t stopped crying as long as I’d been here. So he dragged me out of my dorm room and brought me here and it was the first time I started to feel a little better.”

Alyssa was at a loss for words. They hadn’t really talked about it yet, the break up. She knew it was inevitable, eventually. She had been enjoying falling into things with Emma like nothing had changed, but Alyssa was smarter than that. She knew everything was different.

She cleared her throat. “Well, thank you for bringing me here. I can tell this place means a lot to you.”

Emma gave an awkward smile. “They also have really good milkshakes,” she said. Alyssa appreciated the change of subject.

“I guess I’ll have to try one next time.” Alyssa took another bite of the cheesecake.

After they finished lunch, they lounged for a bit with full stomachs, but eventually made their way out of the deli and to a nearby park where they walked side by side, chatting and catching up.

Alyssa’s fingers itched to reach over and grab Emma’s hand. She didn’t, but  _ god _ she wanted to. Instead, she listened intently as she and Emma swapped regaling stories of their jobs.

“There was this really weird guy that I gave a guitar lesson to once,” Emma said as she kept about half a pace ahead of Alyssa. Alyssa watched as the wind swept through her short hair, making it fluff up at the top of her head. “The only reason he wanted to learn was so he could play something for his pet snake.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope,” Emma laughed. “Apparently his ex would play guitar for the snake and then they broke up and the snake hated him because no one was playing guitar anymore so he wanted to learn something easy to play.”

“I had a kid who got sent to me because she staged a schoolwide protest of Fish Fridays in the cafeteria because she, and I quote,  _ doesn’t like fish _ . She promised to give everyone who participated a sticker, so it worked until she ran out of stickers.”

“Wow. How old is this kid?”

“Nine.”

“She’s going places.”

Suddenly, Emma grabbed Alyssa’s hand and dragged her to the side of the walkway, and then out to a bench that overlooked a courtyard within the park. There was a large, in ground water fountain that children ran through, various benches and performers and street vendors, and the place was full of life. Emma sat down on the bench and pulled Alyssa down next to her.

“This is my favorite spot in the park,” Emma muttered as her eyes lit up in wonder, looking at their surroundings. “I like to come here to people watch.”

Alyssa stared at their hands, still joined between them. “It seems like the perfect place for that.”

Emma met Alyssa’s eyes, and slowly extracted her hand from Alyssa’s, pulling it into her lap. She looked forward, back out at the courtyard, at the children playing, and the dog chasing after a tennis ball, and the couple on a tandem bicycle. Alyssa just watched Emma, and took in the way the light breeze swept through her hair, the way the sunlight reflected in her eyes gave them a golden glow, the light dusting of freckles on her nose. Alyssa chewed on her lip in thought as another silence fell between them, and her heart raced anxiously, but at the same time she felt more comfortable than she had in a long time.

“Hey, Em,” Alyssa said, timid.

“Hm?” Emma didn’t turn her head to look at her, but she was listening. She was glad for that. If Emma’s gaze fell on her again, Alyssa thought she might lose all her confidence.

“I’ve really missed you.” She watched as Emma’s shoulder’s jumped up in surprise and turned to look at her again, eyes wide in surprise.

The most surprising was the next words that came out of Emma’s mouth.

“I have a date,” Emma blurted out.

Alyssa felt her heart break all over again. “W--what?” she stuttered. “With who?”

Emma looked ahead again, unable to hold eye contact with Alyssa for more than a few seconds. “Um, her name is Grace,” she said. “She works at the bakery across the street from the Music Box. We went out once before— before gran— um, anyway, we were supposed to go out again but I kept putting it off because I had to go back to Indiana and I wasn’t in a good place and she’s been very understanding but I am seeing her in a few days and I… I wanted you to know that.”

Alyssa listened to Emma’s rambling, not wanting to believe the words as they came out. She should have figured Emma had moved on and was happy. Hell, Alyssa had moved on and been happy up until she ran into Emma again. But after Emma kissed her, and after today, she thought that maybe, just  _ maybe _ she had another chance.

“Um, that’s… great,” Alyssa forced the words out painfully. “I’m happy for you.” She definitely didn’t sound like she meant it.

“We’re not, like, in a relationship or anything, or even dating it’s just our second date but I— I wanted to be honest with you. About that.”

“Why?”

Emma hesitated for a moment, thinking of what to say, and Alyssa held her breath. “Do you still have feelings for me?” she asked eventually, catching Alyssa off guard.

Alyssa didn’t answer for a moment. Why did Emma have to tell her all this? Why was she asking her this now? But why did she kiss her, and why did she make it clear that she’s not in a relationship? It was a lot of mixed signals, and Alyssa figured that the best thing she could do was be honest as well.

Alyssa shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said no,” she muttered. “But I do want you to be happy. That’s not a lie.”

Emma sighed. “Alyssa, it’s been five years.”

“I know.”

“We’re completely different people.”

“I know.”

“I have a date.”

“You mentioned that,” Alyssa said, rolling her eyes. “Why did you kiss me?”

Emma’s cheeks flushed and she immediately looked away. “I— I was drunk and grieving and I seriously can’t tell you how sorry I am about that.” Emma buried her face in her hands to hide her blush and hunched over.

“I don’t want you to be sorry.”

“Look,” Emma started. “Seeing you again at the funeral was so overwhelming. And seeing you again now is— it’s still a lot to take in.”

“Really?” Alyssa asked with a frown. Emma gave her a small nod. How could she get Emma to understand everything that she was feeling? Alyssa took a deep breath. “For me, seeing you again was… the easiest thing. I’ve missed out on so much time with you and I realized I don’t want to miss out on anything else. And if that’s just as your friend, that’s fine, but I do want you in my life again.”

Emma studied her for a moment as Alyssa held her breath, waiting for a response. Her eyes flicked down momentarily to Alyssa’s lips, before coming up to meet her eyes once again. “I’ve missed you too but… I don’t know if I can just jump in where we left off.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Alyssa frowned. “I just don’t want to be strangers anymore.”

Emma pursed her lips, looking away from Alyssa. Alyssa’s heart raced in her chest, full of anxiety after putting everything out on the line. “So… friends?” Emma was hesitant, but she seemed hopeful.

Alyssa sighed. “That’s all I want.”

Lie.

It’s not all she wanted, but it was enough to make her happy.

Emma seemed to relax at her answer. If it was what she needed to hear, Alyssa would give her that.

Alyssa left the park that day alone. She watched Emma walk away with the promise of texting her when she got home safe. Alyssa should be happy. Emma wanted her in her life. She had missed Alyssa, maybe just as much as Alyssa had missed her.

But it hurt Alyssa’s heart to look Emma in the eye and smile as she agreed to be just friends. It hurt to listen to Emma tell her about this Grace girl that she had a date with soon. It hurt to see the tentative but genuine smile on her face when Alyssa wasn’t the cause of it.

She knew she had no right to be upset, or  _ jealous _ , but she couldn’t help it.

But when Alyssa arrived back at her apartment and texted Emma that she was home safe, Emma’s reply was almost immediate.

_ Thanks. We should hang out again soon _

Alyssa’s heart was filled with a more somber joy as she replied,  _ I’d really, really like that. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Tiny Dancer by Elton John for... obvious reasons.
> 
> Thank you for your patience and for continuing to read and comment and everything. I appreciate all of you so, so much :)


	4. when i find my way home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alyssa tries to come around to the idea of being just friends with Emma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening while you read is the song Call Me Home by Girl Blue, also where the chapter title is from.

Alyssa’s schedule kept her very busy over the next few weeks. She hadn’t found a chance to see Emma since their lunch together. What with her internship, classes, and final papers and projects coming up, most of her free time was spent in the library working, and she often trudged back to her apartment well past midnight only to immediately pass out in bed. Thankfully her roommate was a heavy sleeper.

Even though she hadn’t seen Emma, Alyssa had started texting her a lot— pretty much every day.

It started off with little things, a message here or there. Emma reached out first to ask when she Alyssa was free to hang out again, which turned into a lot of back and forth spouting off suggested times that never worked out. But that so easily progressed to casual conversation, joking around, and telling each other about their days until Alyssa found they were sending good morning and goodnight texts to each other because they ended up talking the whole day.

It was like when they were first starting to cultivate a friendship back in high school, how easy it was for them to fall into conversation, and how they never wanted to stop talking.

Alyssa never asked about Emma’s date. She wasn’t going to do that to herself. And Emma never brought it up either, for which Alyssa was thankful. She wanted to make this friendship with Emma work, and that wasn’t going to happen if she tortured herself by asking about the girl she was dating.

Alyssa was in the library finishing up a project with a few of her classmates, when her phone buzzed again. She hadn’t texted Emma since this morning, but looking at the time, Emma was just getting off of work.

_ I have had A DAY. _

Alyssa couldn’t help the smile she got whenever Emma texted her. She felt like she was in high school again, secretly crushing on the cute girl who performed at the Thanksgiving assembly, giddy at any interaction they had. But she was just a grown adult trying to reconnect with an old friend whom she still had feelings for. Not complicated at all.

“What are you grinning at?”

Alyssa looked up from her phone to find Grey and Dani staring at her, realizing she had been distracted from their project. “What? Nothing.”

“That’s not nothing.”

“Who are you texting?”

“A friend,” Alyssa muttered, brushing them off. She turned back to her phone and typed out a response.  _ Oh jeez, I’m sorry. You wanna talk about it? _

The bubbles immediately appeared, then disappeared, then reappeared. Alyssa set her phone aside and attempted to get back to going over their work, but couldn’t seem to focus until Emma responded.  _ Ahh, it’s a lot to type. I’ll fill you in next time I see you. _

Alyssa frowned. She didn’t even know when she would be seeing Emma again, and Emma was upset now. She couldn’t just sit here and do nothing. Figuring she wouldn’t get much more work done while she was thinking about Emma, she excused herself from the library to go to the bathroom and found an empty bench just outside. She took a deep breath and called Emma.

The line rang a few times before she picked up. “Alyssa?”

“Tell me about your day.”

“What?” Emma chuckled.

Alyssa shrugged. “I want to hear about your day,” she said. “And I mean, if it was that bad I thought you could use a friendly voice.”

“It  _ was _ that bad,” Emma said with a groan. “My landlord barged into my apartment this morning with no warning to complain about how messy it is and how I need to pay my rent earlier even though I’m on time every month, and I don’t want to get evicted or anything so I just had to sit there and take it until he finally left.”

“He sounds like an asshole,” Alyssa frowned.

“He is! And he made me late for work! Sig was fine with it and I thought the rest of the day would be easier, but then this  _ bitch _ came into the shop with her eight year old son looking for appropriate children’s music and when I tried to explain to her that we didn’t have any she went on a twenty minute rant about why we should cater to all audiences. Ma’am, we are an  _ indie music shop _ you’re not going to find any Kidz Bop here!”

Alyssa laughed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That sounds like a rough day.”

“Oh that’s not even all of it. The woman couldn’t control her son and he ran down the aisle and somehow knocked over two shelves. We ended up having to close early because there were CDs and records all over the floor, but we still stayed almost an hour late cleaning up their mess. And you want to know the worst part?”

“What?” Alyssa asked. She rested her chin in her hands. She loved hearing Emma’s voice. Even if Emma was complaining, there was an enthusiasm behind her words, and her voice was relaxed, like she didn’t even think about what she was saying as the words spilled out. Alyssa could listen to her talk all day.

“She didn’t even apologize,” Emma sighed. “She said I should keep a better eye on the store to make sure that kind of stuff doesn’t happen. It’s not my job to take care of your kid while you’re in public! You know, I really want to believe people are good but that lady was awful.”

“Shit, I’m sorry Emma,” Alyssa sighed. “I wish I could bring you some Haagen Dazs right now but I’m stuck working on a project.”

“What?” Emma scoffed. “Why are you calling me? Get back to work!”

“I couldn’t focus. Needed a break.”

“Well break time is over.”

“What? I just missed you, I wanted to hear your voice.” Alyssa’s voice was teasing but she meant every word.

Her words were met with silence for a moment, until Emma replied, quiet, “I miss you too.” After a moment, she cleared her throat. “So how’s your project coming along? Is it the last one?”

“Ugh, I wish,” Alyssa groaned. “After this project I have one more and then two papers. But this is the last week of my internship, and then classes finish up next week. Which means I’m almost free for the summer, but it also means don’t have a lot of time left to get everything done.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Emma said. “You’re Alyssa Greene, you can do anything.”

Alyssa chuckled softly, unsure of how to respond. “I don’t know about anything,” she muttered, bashful. “This project is kicking my butt.”

“Well maybe you should go finish it,” Emma teased.

Alyssa sighed and pursed her lips. She didn’t want to leave, but she really should get back before her friends sent out a search party. “I guess I’ll get back to work,” she muttered. “If you insist.”

“Thank you for calling,” Emma said, her voice earnest. “And you’re right, hearing a friendly voice did improve my day significantly.”

Alyssa chuckled. “Text me later?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Alyssa hung up to the sound of Emma’s soft laughter. She stayed there for a moment, leaned back against the wall behind her and sighed. Just texting Emma it was easy enough to pretend like she was fine with being friends, but hearing her voice? Alyssa was hung up on every word. She knew it would be hard to come around to just being friends with Emma but this was a nightmare that would drive her mad eventually.

Once Alyssa’s internship ended, she was grateful to have more time to work and slowly started to finish up her assignments. She was getting antsy, ready to be done with schoolwork and classes for a few months. That only left the question of what she was going to do with herself with nothing to keep her occupied.

Alyssa still wasn’t quite sure what she would do with her summer. Her mother would want her to come visit at some point, and Shelby & Kaylee had been asking to see her again ever since they reconnected at the funeral. Maybe she’d look for a summer job, or she would ask if any of her friends were staying in the city. Or she could find an interesting place to volunteer her time, maybe an animal shelter or the LGBTQ center; she always loved volunteering.

She hoped that summer would give her more time to figure out her new friendship with Emma, but she still hadn’t even seen Emma since they got lunch and decided to be friends again, so she wasn’t banking on it.

It was another late night in the library as Alyssa worked on her final paper. She just had one last paper to finish up before she turned it in at her last class the next day and she was free.

Actually, she had finished writing her paper a couple hours ago, but her friends were still typing away and she did not want to abandon them, so Alyssa read over her paper a few times, made revisions here and there, updated her sources, and triple checked her formatting. She was about to read over her paper for a fourth time, but when she saw a new text notification from Emma, she grinned and paused her work to take a look.

_ Are you busy? _

“Is this the same  _ friend _ you’ve been texting all week?” Dani asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe,” Alyssa muttered.

“Sounds like more than a friend if you ask me,” Grey chimed in.

“Shut up.” Alyssa tried to ignore her friends as she typed out a quick reply.  _ Finishing up my last paper :( _

“What is she saying?”

“She asked if I was busy.”

“Like right now?” Dani tried to peer over her shoulder, but Alyssa shooed them away. “It’s almost midnight, Alyssa. That is a booty call.”

“It is not!” Alyssa tried to hide the blush that crept to her cheeks, but it didn’t go unnoticed. Honestly, she almost  _ wished _ it was a booty call.

“You have to go!”

“Dani, I’m working.”

“We both know you’ve been done with that paper for hours. Get the hell out of here and go get your girl.”

“She’s my ex,” Alyssa confessed, finally. “And she just wants to be friends right now.”

“Oh,” Dani frowned. “I guess that complicates things a bit.”

Alyssa snorted. “You think?”

Alyssa almost didn’t notice her phone disappear from her hands, but while she was talking to Dani, Grey had used the distraction to swipe her phone and was currently typing something.

“Hey!” Alyssa lunged for her phone, but he pulled it out of her reach. “Damn it, Grey!”

“This is for your own good, Alyssa,” he said, then tossed her phone back to her.

Alyssa looked at the messages.

_ Actually, I just finished my paper so I’m free now! What’s up? _ Grey had written. The bubbles had already appeared, so Emma had seen it. Alyssa held her breath.

_ Do you want to come over? _

Alyssa’s eyes grew wide. She typed out a quick,  _ Ok _ , and began to pack up her books and laptop.

“You’re welcome,” Grey said.

Alyssa glared at him. “Nope. I’m mad at both of you until I see how this goes.”

As Alyssa finished packing up her stuff she checked her phone to find a new text message with an address in Brooklyn, and quickly let Emma know that she was on her way.

The train ride was a little under an hour, and Alyssa was filled with anxiety the entire time. She had prepared for an entire night of working in the library, not seeing Emma. Alyssa suddenly felt self-conscious with her hair that she hadn’t brushed since this morning and her comfy, loose sweats and her Columbia t-shirt that had a coffee stain on it. She wasn’t even wearing makeup. Not that Emma had ever cared about how much makeup she had on or what she was wearing, but she didn’t want to look like a total mess.

Alyssa hastily pulled her hair up into a sloppy bun as she exited the train at a stop in Brooklyn, hoping to tame the curls that had grown more and more wild as her night in the library progressed. She tugged the strap of her backpack over her shoulder and made her way down the street toward the apartment building a few blocks away that Emma resided in.

Alyssa found Emma’s apartment number and buzzed her. A moment later she heard a lock click on the front door and she made her way inside. There was no elevator in the building, so she climbed up the stairs to the fourth floor and was winded after the first flight. How did Emma do this every day?

Once Alyssa reached the fourth floor landing, she took a moment to catch her breath and wipe a bit of sweat from her brow. She already looked like a mess, she didn’t want to look wiped from some stupid stairs too.

The door to apartment 404 was plain, but Alyssa was intimidated nonetheless. She didn’t know why Emma had invited her over tonight, but she felt like everything that was about to happen could easily break her.

She really hoped that wasn’t the case.

Alyssa took a deep breath, brushed a few stray hairs out of her face, and knocked twice.

As soon as Emma opened the door, Alyssa felt a bit less self conscious about her own attire. Emma was wearing sloth pajama pants and a faded old James Madison shirt that looked vaguely like her old debate club shirt that Alyssa could never remember what happened to it.

“Hey,” Alyssa gave her a tired smile. “Sorry I’m a mess, I’ve been in the library all night.”

“It’s okay.” Emma opened the door a little wider and stepped aside so Alyssa had room to enter. “Thanks for coming on such short notice.”

“Of course. It’s really good to see you, Emma, it’s been a while.”

Alyssa stepped past Emma and into the apartment, taking in her surroundings. It was a spacious little studio; Emma’s bed was pushed against the back wall, and there was a small sofa at the foot of her bed with a coffee table and TV in front of that. Her dresser and closet were a little cluttered, but there was a pile of clothes in front of her closet like she had hastily tidied up before Alyssa arrived. It was simple, with not much decoration except for a few funky art pieces and a handful of band posters on the walls. Emma’s guitar was propped up against the wall next to her bed.

Though her closet was a little messy, the kitchen was immaculate. No dirty dishes in the sink, no spills or food left out. Alyssa strongly suspected that if she opened the fridge there wouldn’t be much food that wasn’t leftover takeout or something you could stick in the microwave. Emma had never been much of a cook.

Emma’s curtains were open and she had a window that overlooked a park. It was small and cozy and quaint, and from the moment Alyssa walked in, everything smelled so distinctly of Emma.

“Cute apartment,” Alyssa said, smiling as she took in the room. She tried to quell her nerves, but Emma wasn’t exactly making it clear why she was here. “So did you want to watch a movie or something?”

Emma closed the door behind them with a soft thud and followed her inside. “Actually,” she started, “I kind of wanted to talk.”

“Oh.” Alyssa felt her heart stop. “About what?”

“About us.”

This was it. The conversation Alyssa had been dreading for so long. Alyssa had been content to just jump back into a friendship with Emma and ignore any awkward conversations about their past, but now she wanted to talk? About their relationship? About old feelings? And why did she want to do this  _ now _ ?

Emma seemed nervous as well. She kept her eyes glued to the floor as she walked past Alyssa and into the kitchenette. She busied herself, opening the fridge and looking inside.

“Um, can I get you anything? A snack, or water?”

Alyssa cleared her throat. “A stiff drink?” She joked. Emma closed the fridge and instead opened a cabinet next to it and pulled out a half filled bottle of Crown Royal. “I was kidding!” Alyssa quickly backtracked. “Just water is fine.”

“Oh, okay.” Emma placed the bottle back in the cabinet and instead grabbed two glasses. “Ice?”

“No thanks.”

After Emma filled each glass with some water, she padded over to the couch where Alyssa stood and handed one to her, then brushed past her to sit down. Emma pulled her feet up and sat cross legged, then turned to face Alyssa and patted the cushion next to her expectantly.

Alyssa sat down next to Emma on the couch and took a sip of water, then put her cup down on the coffee table. After a moment, she picked it up again, needing something to do with her hands, otherwise she would start fidgeting nervously, and she didn’t need to make this anymore awkward than it already was.

“So…” she muttered.

“I’ve been thinking,” Emma sighed, “about what you said.”

“What did I say?”

“That you still have feelings for me.”

Alyssa froze. “I didn’t  _ exactly _ say that…”

“You explicitly implied it.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” Alyssa sighed, resigned. Emma was still nervous, eyes flitting about the room, but for a brief moment her eyes met Alyssa’s and everything was calm. And suddenly, Alyssa wanted to hear everything Emma had to say. “What about it?” she asked, prodding Emma to continue as she listened intently.

“Well, I was thinking about that, and I was thinking about whether I still have feelings for you.“ Alyssa’s breath caught in her throat. Emma averted her gaze. She took her time to continue, as if she chose each word carefully before she spoke. “It’s been… a lot to think about, and at first I wasn’t sure, but one thing I did figure out is that I don’t think I ever loved anyone else the way I loved you.”

Alyssa’s heart broke a little at the past tense she used, but she did her best to ignore it.

“Ever since I saw you again, I can’t stop thinking about that summer.”

Alyssa frowned. Emma didn’t have to specify; she knew what summer she was talking about. The summer after prom. The summer they fell apart. “What about it?” she asked. Her voice cracked as she spoke, as if her body was protesting the conversation. But this was a long time coming. As much as it might hurt, she needed to hear Emma out. Alyssa owed her that much.

“I don’t know,” Emma muttered, getting lost in thought. “Like, it sucked. Well, parts of it sucked. And parts of it didn’t suck. And breaking up  _ really _ sucked.”

Alyssa chuckled. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“But… looking back, I don’t know if I would change anything.”

“What do you mean?” Alyssa asked. She wanted to be offended, or hurt, but Emma seemed like she was struggling to communicate what she wanted to say.

“I just— I wasn’t in a good place. I was a bad girlfriend. My depression was bad and my anxiety was even  _ worse _ and I was getting so dependent on… you. On our relationship.” Emma looked down at her lap where her hands were. She fiddled with her thumbs, pressing her fingers together, a nervous habit.

Emma continued, “Whenever I was in a bad place I would just call you or hold you and I would feel better. Which, like, I’m glad you could do that for me, but I—I think I needed to figure out how to deal with shit on my own, you know? And then thinking about you and the future was what put me in a bad place and I didn’t know how to handle that. You were going to be across the country and I couldn’t spend all my time wishing I was with you instead. I couldn’t just call you whenever I had a panic attack. And we had put so much stock in our future together that we weren’t really thinking about what we wanted for ourselves.” Emma let out a frustrated huff as her nervous rambling came to an abrupt halt. “Fuck, am I making any sense at all?”

Slowly, Alyssa nodded. She could see what Emma was saying, and it was something she herself had thought about many times. Would she be in the same place now if she had ended up going to NYU with Emma? Probably not, and maybe that was a good thing. “Five years ago I was still on track to be a lawyer just like my mom wanted,” Alyssa said with a soft laugh. “Can’t say I’m upset I changed that plan.”

“Exactly, and now look at you!” Emma said. “You’re so happy with what you’re doing and you’re gonna make a difference in so many lives. And that might not have happened if we stayed on the same path.”

“You’re probably right.”

Emma sighed. “For a while I thought the fact that I wouldn’t go back and change anything meant that I didn’t have feelings for you anymore, that I was over you, or that I had moved on or whatever. But I don’t know… I think I needed that time to be the person I am now, and I think you did too.”

“Emma, what are you saying?”

“I really don’t know, I think I just blacked out and word vomited everywhere.” Alyssa glared at her. “Jeez, I’m kidding. Tough crowd.” Alyssa rolled her eyes, but an amused smirk crept onto her lips. Her heart pounded in her chest as she anxiously waited for Emma’s next words. “Alyssa, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for weeks.”

It was everything Alyssa had been thinking herself, and everything that she wanted to hear from Emma. It was a swell of hope that she desperately needed; it was the first breath of oxygen after swimming underwater for so long. But Alyssa couldn’t help the doubt and nagging at the back of her mind. “What about the girl you’re dating?” Alyssa asked. “Gracie?”

“Grace,” Emma said. “And, uh, the date I told you about? That was the last one. I realized I was looking forward to reading your texts every day more than I wanted to see her. Didn’t take long to figure out that wasn’t meant to be.”

“What?” Alyssa gasped. “You never told me! That was weeks ago!”

“You never asked!” Emma countered. “And I— I still needed time to figure out how I felt.” Emma shook her head, eyes closed, and corrected her phrasing. “I mean, how I feel.”

“And how do you feel?” Alyssa held her breath as she studied Emma’s nervous face, the way her eyes darted around the apartment, falling anywhere but on hers, the way her hands fidgeted nervously with the hem of her t-shirt, the way she tapped her foot to an inaudible rhythm.

Until finally, Emma’s eyes met hers. “I feel like I’m already falling for you again,” she sighed. “And I feel like the universe is giving us another chance to make this work.”

Alyssa tentatively reached out her hand and placed it on top of Emma’s, and Emma instinctively laced their fingers together and gave a gentle squeeze. Her skin was cool against Alyssa’s warm hand and it felt so right. “So… what?” Alyssa asked softly. “Do you want to get back together or something?”

“Does it count as getting back together if it’s been five years?”

“Probably not,” Alyssa chuckled. “But it’s not like we’re starting over with something new.”

“What if we just… try again?” Emma suggested. ”You’re still Alyssa, but you’re also a completely different Alyssa than the one I knew back in high school. And I really want to know everything about this cool, new Alyssa.”

“Well she’s probably not as cool as you think she is,” Alyssa joked. She tilted her head as she held Emma’s gaze. Her golden eyes were locked on her, looking hopeful. Alyssa felt butterflies that she couldn’t remember feeling since the moment before she first kissed Emma back in the band closet at James Madison. “I… I think I’d like that. A lot.”

With her words, Emma’s shoulders immediately relaxed as she let out a relieved sigh. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa chuckled. “You’re a part of my life, Emma. You always have been and probably always will be.”

“Can I—“ Emma hesitated, biting her lip, and Alyssa held her breath as she waited for the words she hoped Emma was about to say. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” Alyssa breathed.

She tentatively leaned her head in as Emma did the same. Their movements were slow, careful, deliberate. Emma’s eyes met hers, then slowly drifted down to her lips just before her nose against brushed Alyssa’s.

Alyssa kept her eyes open, not wanting to tear her gaze away from Emma’s. She had missed those eyes so much, the swirling colors, they way they looked at her like she held up the sky itself. Emma’s breath ghosted her lips, and Alyssa closed the distance.

This was so different from the brief drunken kiss they had shared back in Edgewater. This was intentional, and Emma’s lips were so soft, even softer than Alyssa remembered. Her eyes fluttered closed the moment their lips touched, and she instinctively raised her hand to the back of Emma’s neck. Where there were once soft, blonde curls, there was now just barely enough hair for her to thread her fingers into, so instead she lightly scratched at the base of her neck, running her fingers against the short, soft locks until Emma let out a gentle, content sigh.

The kiss was brief, but it was everything Alyssa remembered loving about kissing Emma and so much more. It was like watching an old favorite show only to find a handful of episodes she had never seen before. It was coming home after a long time away, but at the same time it was discovering something entirely new.

When their lips parted, Alyssa kept her hand at the back of her neck and rested her forehead against Emma’s. Her eyes were still closed, but she inhaled, grounding herself in the moment as she felt her heart was about to beat out of her chest. She was here. Emma was here. It was everything she wanted, and that was all that mattered.

Alyssa felt tears spring to her eyes, and one slowly slid down her cheek. She closed her eyes. Emma immediately scooted closer to her on the couch and brought up her hand to wipe it away.

“Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Emma muttered. She kissed Alyssa’s forehead and her lips lingered there for a moment. “What’s wrong?”

“I never really wanted to hope for this,” Alyssa confessed, her voice quiet and shy. She was baring her soul for Emma once again; she just hoped it wasn’t too much. “I thought it was the end, but I guess it was just the beginning, huh?”

Alyssa glanced up and opened her eyes to see a gentle smile on Emma’s lips. “I guess so.”

“Is it weird that, after all this time, you still feel like home?”

Emma gazed at her in a way she couldn’t remember being regarded in a long time. Her lips parted in a soft sigh, and she cupped Alyssa’s cheeks with both hands. Alyssa hummed softly and leaned into the touch of the calloused fingertips of Emma’s left hand.

“No.”

And Emma kissed her again.

Their lips moved together in a way that was both familiar and unknown. It was as if Emma remembered the way her tongue tentatively brushed at her bottom lip made her gasp, but she had forgotten what it sounded like. Alyssa remembered the way Emma would sink into her when she wrapped her arms around her waist, but had forgotten just how it felt to have Emma shiver against her when her fingertips dipped under the hem of Emma’s shirt and brushed against the small of her back.

Every kiss, every touch, every sound reignited old feelings that had been long buried in the back of Alyssa’s mind and were suddenly brought back to the front. She wanted to hold onto every last detail.

After a moment, Emma pulled her lips away. Alyssa whined and chased her, until Emma giggled and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. “As much as I would love to keep kissing you, I really want to talk more.”

“About what?” Alyssa opened her eyes to find her face still inches from Emma’s. Her lips were kissed pink, and her cheeks were flushed and Alyssa couldn’t believe it had been five years since she had seen anything this beautiful.

“Well, we both missed out on a lot. We’re different people now. I know we did the awkward catch-up already, but I want to know more.”

“What do you want to know?”

Emma sighed, her eyes regarding Alyssa with a captivated wonder, and Alyssa knew Emma was the only person who could make her feel so loved with a single look. Emma’s hand came up to tuck a curl behind her ear. “I want to know everything, Alyssa.”

They stayed awake most of the night, just talking into the early hours of the morning, catching up, filling each other in on everything they missed out on. Alyssa regaled her with details of her first roommate who she never saw and didn’t even think existed until halfway through the year, and described her favorite places to visit in California, while Emma told her about her favorite music professors in college, and all the random adventures Barry had taken her on.

Emma would chime in with questions while Alyssa spoke, and Alyssa asked Emma questions of her own. As they told each other funny stories and important moments and meaningless anecdotes of their lives over the last five years, they eventually made their way from the couch to the bed. Alyssa leaned back against the headboard, and Emma laid down with her head in Alyssa’s lap. Her eyes were closed as Alyssa ran her fingers through her hair, listening intently to every word she spoke.

After hours of talking and wanting to savor every single moment with each other, they struggled to keep their eyes open. Alyssa found herself dozing off in Emma’s arms, soothed to slumber by her mellifluous voice in the early hours of the morning.

Alyssa woke up to an insistent buzzing sound. She reached for her phone to silence the alarm, only to find that her bedside table wasn’t there. Her eyes flew open and as Alyssa took in her surroundings, she suddenly remembered that she was in Emma’s apartment, not her own. Emma was snuggled into her arms, slowly stirring at the buzzing noise that persisted.

“Em,” Alyssa mumbled, poking her in the nose. “Em, what’s that sound?”

Emma wrenched her eyes open and she slowly realized what that sound was. “Oh, shit,” she yawned, and rolled out of bed. “What time is it?” She made her way to the door and pushed a button next to it, and finally the buzzing stopped.

Alyssa checked the time on her phone, which was on its last legs, hanging on at a solid 17% battery life. “Ten.”

“Barry’s on his way up.” Emma made her way back to the bed and sat down on the edge as Alyssa sat up.

“Barry?”

“We have brunch plans.”

“Brunch?”

“Yeah, it’s not breakfast but it’s not lunch either. They usually serve breakfast food and like, mimosas—“

“I know what brunch is you butt.”

Emma grinned and leaned across the bed to kiss Alyssa, and Alyssa’s heart fluttered as she instinctively brought a hand up to Emma’s cheek. She still couldn’t quite believe that she once again had the privilege of kissing Emma Nolan whenever she wanted to. She would definitely be taking advantage of that.

“So you could… rush out of here and hope you don’t run into Barry on the stairs,” Emma said, weighing the idea in her head for a moment. Alyssa didn’t like that option, but if it was too soon and Emma wanted her to leave, she would. “Or…”

“Or?”

“You could join us?”

Alyssa tilted her head, pretending to consider for a moment. She already knew what her answer would be, but she loved the hopeful glint in Emma’s eye, and wanted to keep her in suspense, only briefly.

“I like brunch,” Alyssa muttered, and Emma’s dazzling, excited smile made her heart soar. “I might need to borrow some clothes, though.” She glanced at her stained t-shirt and sweats that she had now been wearing for almost 24 hours. “I don’t know if this is appropriate for brunch.”

“That can be arranged.” Emma pressed another quick kiss to her lips and hopped off the bed. She opened a few dresser drawers, pulling out a plaid flannel and some jeans, tossing them to Alyssa just as there was a knock at the door. “He’s going to be happy to see you.”

Alyssa sat cross legged on the bed as she watched Emma patter across her apartment barefoot to answer the door. Waking up with Emma, being with her again, she felt so genuinely free and happy. Alyssa wasn’t unhappy before, but Emma was easy and familiar. Being with Emma again was finally finding her way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically the last chapter, but the next part is a bit more of an epilogue. It's almost finished so I should have that up very soon as well.
> 
> Thank you so so so much for sticking through the angst with me, thank you for your patience in my brief hiatus, thank you for reading, and thank you for all your kind words! I promised they would get their happy ending, so tune into the epilogue for more of that ;)


	5. can we always be this close (forever and ever)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years later.

The tequila burned Alyssa’s throat as she threw back the shot that was shoved into her hand. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she set down the glass on the counter and bit into the lime in her other hand. A cheer sounded around her, and as Alyssa opened her eyes to see her friends, she found another full shot glass sitting in front of her.

“Oh my god,” Alyssa groaned. She was already feeling very giggly and drunk and knew that even a few more drinks could push her past the point of being happily tipsy to miserably drunk, and she did not want that tonight. “I already had like four shots, I can’t do another yet!”

“This is your night, Alyssa!” Shelby squealed, elbowing her in the side. “We are buying you drinks!”

“Yes, but I would like to be not hungover when I get  _ married _ tomorrow!”

“The wedding’s not until the afternoon, you’ve got time to sleep it off,” Dani said, and scooted the shot glass closer to her.

Alyssa rolled her eyes, but caved and grabbed the glass. “Someone else has gotta do one with me, I’m not doing a tequila shot by myself.”

Once a few more shots were distributed to the rest of the group, and the bartender handed over a salt shaker that was passed around, Alyssa tossed back this shot as well, growing more and more numb to the burning in her throat with each drink she had.

“You ready to dance, bitch?” Kaylee grinned and dragged Alyssa away from the bar and out to the dance floor by her arm.

Alyssa had never been a huge fan of partying and clubbing. She was starting to regret leaving Kaylee and Shelby in charge of planning her bachelorette party, but it seemed like everyone else was having fun.

Alyssa listened to the thrumming of the bass from a song that she didn’t know, but as the alcohol hit, she found it easier to appreciate. Kaylee twirled her playfully, and Alyssa laughed and felt herself more comfortable to move with the music.

So maybe she wasn’t having the worst time. Shelby had picked out a really cool lesbian bar, and Kaylee was always great at influencing her into letting loose and having a good time (which maybe wasn’t always a great thing, like the time last year when she and Kaylee had a bit too much to drink and Emma was about to murder them both because they almost broke her guitar), but Alyssa wanted to have a good time tonight.

She just wished Emma was here.

Neither she nor Emma had very strong opinions about what to do for their respective bachelorette parties and had just assumed they would be doing something together, but Barry immediately took control of Emma’s, and Shelby and Kaylee didn’t hesitate to jump in to plan Alyssa’s. So now, Alyssa found herself partying in a random club with her friends, but she couldn’t help but wonder how Emma was doing.

She had no idea what Barry had planned for her, but knowing the man it was sure to be something extravagant and flashy and quite possibly far out of Emma’s comfort zone. But Emma hadn’t texted her yet, so Alyssa closed her eyes, danced with her friends, and hoped that Emma was having fun and that Barry didn’t have anything too dangerous planned.

Alyssa danced for a few songs until she grew uncomfortably sweaty and thirsty and was too tired to continue. She needed a break. She excused herself and squeezed through the crowd, making her way back to the bar.

“Could I just get some water?” Alyssa asked the bartender, who nodded and prepared a glass of ice water for her.

Alyssa leaned against a barstool as she turned back to the dance floor. She had lost sight of her friends in the crowd, only remembering vaguely where they were. She sighed and sipped at her glass of water. The cold beverage was refreshing and exactly what she needed.

Alyssa felt her cell phone vibrate in her pocket, so she fished it out and her face lit up when she read the name on the screen.

A new text from Emma.

_ How’s your party going? _

Set down her cup on the bar and typed out a quick response.  _ Im having A LOT more fun than i thoughgt i would!  _ Alyssa sent the text quickly, only noticing the typos once it was too late. Whoops. She took another sip of water.

Emma’s response was quick.  _ Sounds like you’re having a good time lol. Didn’t trust what Kaylee and Shelby planned? _

_ since when have I ever trusted them? _

Emma didn’t respond as promptly this time, so she set her phone down and took another sip of water. When she looked up again, Dani and Grey were making their way out of the crowd and back to the bar.

“So your friends from high school are fun,” Grey said.

“Was that sarcasm?” Alyssa quirked an eyebrow.

“No, they’re awesome!”

“Shelby and I are doing shots!” Dani added as they waved down the bartender.

“More shots?” Alyssa laughed. “I need all of you upright for my wedding.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dani shrugged her off.

“You’re having fun though?” Grey asked.

“I am, definitely,” Alyssa smiled. She couldn’t resist looking down at her phone screen again to see if there were any new texts from Emma. Nothing.

“You’re just missing Emma?”

Alyssa chuckled. “That obvious?”

“Hey, after tonight, you can hang out with her every night for the rest of your life.”

Alyssa’s smile grew at the thought of spending every day with Emma, as it always did whenever she remembered that they were getting married. “That sounds perfect.”

Dani collected the two shots from the bartender, then dragged Grey back out to the dance floor. After a moment, they turned around. “You coming, Alyssa?”

“Yeah, I’ll be back out in a minute!”

Alyssa glanced back down at her phone, still finding no response from Emma. She sighed and typed out another quick message.

_ I hope ur having fun too! I love you _

Once she sent that, Alyssa locked her phone, downed the rest of her water, and squeezed her way back onto the dance floor.

It wasn’t hard to find her friends again, because the whole crowd seemed to be watching Kaylee and Shelby grinding on each other, a common occurrence whenever they danced together. Alyssa knew Shelby was bi, she had come out to her once they reconnected after high school. She wondered if Kaylee was as well, what with the display they were putting on. But the musing was shaken from Alyssa’s thoughts as Dani grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in to join the group dancing.

After a while, a new DJ came out, and the music changed. It wasn’t bad, but the mood shifted and people slowly began to clear off the dance floor.

Kaylee turned to Shelby. “Next place?”

Shelby nodded in agreement. “Next place.”

“I’m sorry, there’s another place?” Alyssa asked.

“You heard her!” Shelby quipped. “Back on the party bus!”

The group squeezed their way out of the club and back to the bus, where Kaylee immediately popped open a bottle of champagne and took a drink before passing it to Alyssa. Alyssa just laughed and grabbed the bottle and took a drink herself.

“So what’s the next place?” she asked.

“It’s called Blazing Saddles,” Kaylee said. “You’re going to  _ love _ it.”

Alyssa almost spat out a mouthful of champagne upon hearing the name of this club. “It’s called what now?”

“Please tell me it’s country themed,” Dani piped in.

“There may be professional dancers wearing cowgirl attire if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“ _ Fuck _ yeah.”

All of a sudden, the bus lurched violently and then skidded to a stop. Alyssa kept a tight grip on the bottle of champagne in her hands, knowing full well that Kaylee would kill her if she were to waste any precious alcohol.

“What the hell was that?” Shelby asked, peeking out the window.

On cue, the music dimmed and the driver’s voice came over the speakers. “I hope everyone’s alright back there. It looks like we just blew out a tire, so it’s going to be a little while before we can get going again. Feel free to stay inside, but if you’d like to step out for some air we’re in a safe place to do so.”

“Shit,” Shelby frowned.

“This ruins my whole schedule!” Kaylee exclaimed. She pulled out her phone and scrolled through the notes. “We’re supposed to be at Blazing Saddles already! This is really going to cut into our time there.”

As Shelby tried to reassure Kaylee that everything would be fine, Alyssa pulled out her phone, figuring she should update Emma on the situation. She hadn’t texted back yet, so Alyssa considered calling her. Her fiancé would probably want to know about something like this as soon as possible.

And maybe she just wanted to hear Emma’s voice. Sue her.

“I’m gonna call Emma and let her know,” Alyssa told her friends as she opened the door. “I’ll be right back.”

As soon as Alyssa was outside, she stepped away from the street and tapped the call button next to Emma’s contact information. The line rang a few times before a voice that wasn’t Emma’s answered.

“Emma’s phone.”

“Sig?” Alyssa asked. “Where’s Emma?”

“Oh, she’s fine,” Sig replied. “She just has a bit of a headache. Hold on, she’ll probably want to talk to you.”

There was some muffled conversation for a moment, a bit of tapping against the phone that was loud in Alyssa’s ear, until finally she heard the voice she had been waiting for. “Alyssa?”

“It’s so good to hear your voice,” Alyssa sighed.

“I miss you too,” Emma chuckled. What’s up? Why are you calling? Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah, everything’s fine,” Alyssa said quickly, hoping to ease Emma’s anxiety. “The party bus just got a flat so we’re a bit delayed. Kaylee’s distraught. But I figured I’d update you and let you know we’re all okay.”

“Thanks for calling,” Emma said. Silence fell on the line, and then Alyssa realized— that’s odd. Why was it so quiet?

“Hey, Em, where are you?” Alyssa asked. “Why is it so quiet? I assumed Barry had planned something super extravagant for your party.”

“Oh, he did,” Emma said. “He rented a boat and it was awesome for like thirty minutes.”

“But?”

“But then I got seasick and threw up over the railing so now we’re back at the hotel watching movies.”

“Aw, babe,” Alyssa frowned. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m still having a good time.” Emma was always the optimist. “My headache is almost gone and we made a drinking game out of shitty rom coms. I’m almost feeling up to playing. I promise I’m still having fun.”

Alyssa sighed, not fully believing her. “Okay,” she muttered. “Are you guys hanging out in your room?”

“No, Dee Dee has the biggest TV.”

Alyssa laughed. “Well I hope you’re feeling better.”

“I am, I promise. Now go have fun.”

“Not too much without you.”

“I love you, Alyssa.” Alyssa could practically hear the way Emma smiled as she said those words.

“I love you so much.”

As they ended the call, Alyssa marched back inside, and an idea was brewing in her head that Kaylee would probably hate.

“Can I suggest a change of plans?” Alyssa asked when she closed the door behind her.

“Absolutely not,” Kaylee snipped.

Shelby elbowed her in the ribs. “What Kaylee means is it’s your night, Alyssa, you can absolutely suggest whatever you want.”

“Well I just found out that Emma’s party kind of went south and they’re back at the hotel. And while this has been so much fun, maybe we could just combine parties and hang out with them? We’ll bring all the alcohol we have left and join them up in Dee Dee’s suite?”

“You really miss Emma don’t you.”

“I just thought it would be fun!”

Shelby laughed, “Okay, I think it’s a great idea!  _ Right _ , Kaylee?”

Kaylee’s smile seemed a bit forced, but with one glare from Shelby she nodded enthusiastically. “Sounds amazing!”

“Everyone else good with a change of plans?” Shelby asked. The rest of the party quickly agreed, and Shelby went outside to inform the driver of their new destination.

Once the spare was on, the driver seemed relieved that they were cutting the night short and happily dropped them off at the hotel. The group made their way up to the top floor of the hotel where Dee Dee had claimed the presidential suite. The door was propped open a little, so instead of knocking, Kaylee barged inside while Shelby blasted an air horn on her phone.

“Y’all ready to PARTY?!” Kaylee whooped.

The only one who seemed taken by surprise at their arrival was Emma. Shelby must have texted Trent when they were on the way.

“You’re here?” Emma asked as she jumped off the bed, an excited grin on her face. She was barefoot, wearing dark blue slacks and a button up, but a few of the top buttons had been undone and her sleeves were rolled up. Alyssa licked her lips as she took in her appearance. Her fiancé was  _ hot _ . How did she get so lucky? Emma stumbled to her feet while clutching a beer in one hand, clearly a little intoxicated. “What about your party?”

“It wasn’t as fun without you,” Alyssa confessed.

Alyssa watched as Emma set her drink on the ground, before lunging across the room to kiss her. Everyone in the room whooped and cheered, but Alyssa paid them no mind because all that mattered was Emma in her arms. The days leading up to the wedding had been so busy, and although Alyssa had just seen Emma this morning, it felt like an eternity.

All of a sudden, Shelby’s phone was plugged into a speaker and party music blared through the room. Emma jumped in her arms, startled, and Alyssa leaned back with a laugh and kissed her cheek.

Angie walked up to them with two small cups filled with red jell-o. “Shots for the brides!” she yelled, and everybody cheered.

Alyssa met Emma’s eyes and quirked an eyebrow. Emma just shrugged, grabbed a jell-o shot, and messily consumed it, so Alyssa quickly followed suit. Then Alyssa twirled Emma in her arms and all their friends joined them dancing.

Alyssa’s heart felt full, surrounded by friends, about to marry the woman she’s loved more than anything for ten years. Alyssa’s mind briefly thought back to everything they went to. Hiding their relationship, the prom, breaking up, the time they spent apart, and finally finding their way back to each other. All those hardships were suddenly worth it because this time tomorrow, Emma Nolan would be her  _ wife _ .

Eventually, Trent put everyone into teams for a game of charades and everyone was laughing, drinking, and having a good time. Emma and Alyssa weren’t allowed to team up, because Kaylee complained it gave them an “unfair advantage”, so Emma had teamed up with Shelby.

Alyssa thought that partnership was even worse. Whenever Emma and Shelby were drunk the two were so similar, they turned into an unstoppable force. And they were kicking everyone’s asses.

Alyssa had been stuck with Dee Dee, who, despite being a great actress was  _ terrible _ at charades and at the same time refused to admit it. Eventually, when Dee Dee grew tired of losing, she convinced Shelby to help her set up karaoke on the TV so they could do something she was actually good at.

Alyssa was content to sit and watch their friends badly sing their hearts out, but after a few songs, Emma dragged Alyssa up for their drunken rendition of  _ Start of Something New _ from High School Musical, immediately followed by  _ Don’t Go Breaking My Heart _ , which had everyone else singing and clapping along as well. Before they sat down, Alyssa pulled Emma in by her belt loops for a kiss, which was met with cheers from all their friends.

The blush that colored Emma’s cheeks was adorable, and Alyssa knew she would never get tired of seeing that for the rest of her life.

Kaylee shoved them out of the way so she could belt out some ABBA, and Alyssa settled back on the couch next to Emma.

Halfway through the song, Alyssa glanced over at Emma and caught her mid-yawn. She giggled and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Tired?” Alyssa asked, and placed a gentle kiss on Emma’s cheek.

Emma’s eyes found Alyssa’s and gave her a small smile. “A little,” she muttered. “But I’m having fun.”

“Me too.” Emma draped an arm over Alyssa’s shoulder and Alyssa curled into her side and kissed her jaw, darting out her tongue to tentatively lick a bit of skin. Emma squealed and shot Alyssa a pointed look. Alyssa just gave her an innocent smile and turned back to watch Kaylee while her hand absently drifted a little too high on Emma’s thigh.

After about ten minutes of Alyssa’s fingers tracing meaningless patterns on Emma’s leg, curled up against her side, occasionally leaning over and pressing her lips to Emma’s neck, eliciting soft gasps and squirming at her side, finally Emma leaned into her and whispered, “Wanna ditch the rest of this party?”

Alyssa glanced over at their friends. Grey, Sigrid, and Angie were playing a heated game of cards, Dani was passed out on the armchair, Trent was giving a lovely performance of Smash Mouth’s  _ All Star _ , Sheldon was trying to be mediator in yet another argument between Barry and Dee Dee, and Kaylee and Shelby were… where  _ were _ Kaylee and Shelby?

That thought escaped Alyssa’s mind as Emma’s teeth gently tugged at her earlobe. “I don’t think they’ll miss us,” she gasped.

Alyssa grabbed Emma’s hand and dragged her to the door. They easily slipped out of the room unnoticed. Alyssa stared straight ahead, making her way toward the elevator, and as soon as the doors closed behind them, her lips were on Emma’s in an excited, desperate, sloppy kiss.

They stumbled down the hall of Emma’s floor, lips latched together, Alyssa’s insistent tongue pressing into her mouth. Emma blindly fumbled through her pockets, searching for her key card. As soon as they heard the satisfying click of the lock, she opened the door, and Alyssa pushed her backwards into the room. She closed the door behind them with Emma’s back against it as her fingers worked at the buttons of Emma’s top.

“I missed you tonight,” Alyssa muttered against Emma’s lips.

Emma’s hands were at her hips and squeezed tight as she kissed Alyssa. “I missed you too,” she breathed, between kisses.

As Alyssa finished unbuttoning the last button, she was about to push the shirt off Emma’s shoulders when Emma’s knee slipped between her legs and pressed against her. Alyssa gasped, and as she was caught off guard, Emma pushed off the door and walked Alyssa to the bed.

They fell backwards onto the soft mattress, giggling and trading gentle kisses. Alyssa’s arms were around Emma’s neck, pulling her closer, not wanting to leave her lips alone for more than a moment.

Eventually, Alyssa successfully pushed the shirt off Emma’s shoulders, and Emma broke away for a moment to pull Alyssa’s top over her head.

When their lips reconnected, Emma’s hand came up to hold Alyssa’s cheek. Her lips were firm and gentle, and her hand steadied their frantic movements. Alyssa sighed against her mouth and the mood shifted. Everything suddenly slowed down and they took their time, relishing every touch. They traded lazy kisses for a while, wrapped up in each other, and after some time, Emma drew her head back, breaking away from Alyssa’s lips for a moment.

“Hey Alyssa,” she whispered, eyes still half closed, breath short, cheeks flushed.

“Yeah?” Alyssa sighed.

“We’re getting married tomorrow.”

Alyssa’s lips curled up into a splitting grin, and she leaned in and kissed Emma again. “We’re getting married tomorrow.” She repeated the words and still couldn’t believe they were true.

Emma rolled over, straddling Alyssa’s hips and leaned in to press a brief, teasing kiss to her lips. “I guess I should make the most of my last night as a single woman.”

Alyssa giggled. “Shut up, you dork, and kiss me.”

Emma happily obliged.

Alyssa slept in the morning of her wedding. They had stayed up pretty late the night before, and sleeping in Emma’s arms was always so comfortable that she never wanted to get out of bed. By the time Alyssa finally woke, it was well into the morning. The sun streamed through the curtains, casting a lambent glow on Emma’s still sleeping form as she continued to doze peacefully.

Alyssa inched closer to her under the sheets, draped an arm over her bare torso, and trailed lazy kisses down Emma’s neck and shoulders until she began to stir.

“Hm?” Emma muttered sleepily, reaching out and pulling Alyssa closer to her.

“Morning sleepyhead,” Alyssa muttered, and placed a kiss on her lips. “It’s our wedding day.”

That seemed to wake Emma a little more. Her eyes fluttered open and she tucked Alyssa’s messy morning curls behind her ear and out of her face. “Wow.”

“What?”

“You’re so beautiful,” she mused.

Alyssa leaned in to kiss her again, but they were interrupted when the lock clicked and the door to Emma’s hotel room flew open. Alyssa fell away from Emma and they both quickly pulled the sheets up over themselves.

“Relax, it’s just me,” Barry muttered, not even looking toward the bed. He carried an outfit on a hanger with a protective plastic cover over it and dragged a suitcase behind him. “Do you girls have any idea what time it is?”

“Um, no?” Emma said. She reached out from under the blankets for a t-shirt that sat on the floor next to the bed and quickly pulled it over her head. Alyssa followed suit and searched for nearby clothes to dress herself with.

“It’s past eleven and you’re still asleep?” Barry scoffed. “You both need to start getting ready soon and I’m guessing you haven’t even showered or eaten yet!”

Alyssa found Emma’s shirt from the night before and pulled it over her shoulders, quickly buttoning it up halfway to cover herself.

The lock on the door clicked again and this time, Sheldon wandered inside, having a heated discussion on the phone. “Sharon, you’re killing me here. I ordered gardenias and lilies, not gardenias and  _ roses _ ! If I don’t see the lilies I ordered in half an hour I swear to god I will make sure you never work in this town again. Okay love you! Bye!” He ended the call and put his cell phone back into his pocket. “The nerve of that woman,” he muttered to Barry.

“How many people have keys to your room?” Alyssa whispered.

“Sheldon, what are you doing here?” Emma asked. She had found her slacks from the night before, slipped them on, and began to rummage through her bag on the floor.

Sheldon ignored her and turned to Alyssa. “Alyssa, your mother is looking everywhere for you.  _ Please _ go talk to her before she goes feral,” Sheldon said. “She was frantically searching your room as though you were hiding in the closet and I told her, honey, Alyssa hasn’t been in the closet for eight years. I barely made it out of there alive.”

“Sorry,” Alyssa laughed. “The wedding has made my mom go crazy. I thought I had seen her at her worst in high school, but I was wrong.”

“Forget bridezilla, the real threat of this wedding is momzilla,” Barry chimed in.

As if the words had ritually summoned her, there was a sharp knock at the door, followed by Alyssa’s mother’s voice, “Alyssa, sweetie are you in there?”

“Shit,” Alyssa muttered. “Everybody turn around while I find some pants.”

“Here,” Emma tossed her a pair of shorts from her own bag, which Alyssa quickly caught and slipped on before she climbed out of bed.

Sheldon opened the door and Alyssa watched her mother storm past him and into the room. He slipped out, hoping to avoid the wrath of Mrs. Greene, and Barry followed quickly after him.

“Alyssa?” She took one look at Alyssa’s disheveled state and haphazardly thrown together outfit and frowned. “I am going to ignore your current attire,” she said with a distressed sigh. “What are you doing here? You know it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!”

Alyssa frowned, but before she could say anything, Emma said, “I think if there’s two brides it cancels out, so we’re fine.”

Her mother’s face softened as she turned to Emma with a smile. “Emma, honey, good morning.”

“Oh, she gets a good morning and I get a what are you doing?” Alyssa laughed. “Thanks, mom.”

Alyssa’s mom crossed the room and set down the bags she was carrying. “Alyssa, sweetie.” She stepped up to Alyssa and grabbed her hands. “You’re my daughter and I have been looking forward to your wedding day your entire life. I’m sorry if I’m uptight, I just want everything to be perfect for you because I love you so much.”

Her mom’s voice was genuine and her eyes were kind. Alyssa couldn’t help but remember the last big day she tried to make everything  _ perfect _ for her daughter, but immediately shoved the thought to the back of her mind. Her mother had come a long way since prom, and even though she had a particular way of doing things (and a particular way of getting under Alyssa’s skin), at least her heart was in the right place.

“I know, mom,” she said, squeezing her mother’s hands. “I promise I will be ready for hair and makeup soon. Everything’s going to be fine, so you can relax.”

“I’m your mother, I don’t think I’ll relax until I’m two drinks in at the reception.”

Alyssa laughed and hugged her mom. Over her shoulder, she noticed Emma sitting on the bed, eyes cast toward the ground. “Emma, are you okay?”

Their hug ended as they turned their attention to Emma, who looked up at them, eyes glistening with tears. Before Alyssa could move to comfort her fiancé, her mother was already seated next to Emma, a comforting arm around her as she rubbed her shoulders. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Emma shook her head. “I’m fine, I’m okay.” One look from Mrs. Greene, and Emma’s shoulders slumped and she found the words she was thinking spilling out. “I don’t really have any family left. And seeing what you have almost makes me wish I did. I know I have Barry and everyone, but… I don’t know. I haven’t seen my parents in years, but this is supposed to be what your parents are here for! I mean, I’m glad we didn’t invite them, I would hate it if they were here. But I feel like there’s always going to be a part of me that hopes they’ll come around eventually.” Emma’s voice trembled as she tried to get the words out. It broke Alyssa’s heart. “And gran… I just wish she was here.” A sob left Emma’s throat as she finished.

Alyssa watched as her mother gave Emma a kiss on her temple, and gently wiped away the tears that fell down her cheeks. “You knew Betsy much better than I did, but I know she loved you so much. I wish I had more time as her friend, but I’m so grateful for every moment I did get to spend with her. She was so proud of you, and I guarantee she’s got a front row seat in heaven right now to watch you get married today.”

Emma chuckled softly between sobs. Alyssa’s lips turned up in a small smile watching this moment unfold.

“And don’t say that you don’t have any family left,” her mother continued. “Barry’s not the only one who would be offended by that.” She paused, and lightly held Emma’s cheek. “I know we have a bit of a rocky history, but Emma, you know I love you like a daughter right?”

Alyssa felt tears spring to her eyes when she saw the look of shock on Emma’s face. “W—what?” Emma muttered.

“Oh, don’t act so surprised. You may be marrying my daughter today, but you’ve been family for a while now.”

At that, Emma threw her arms around Alyssa’s mother and held her in a tight hug. “Thank you, Mrs. Greene.”

“Hey, none of that. You can call me mom if you want,” she said softly. “Or if that’s too weird, Veronica is fine too.” Emma chuckled through her sobs into her shoulder.

Alyssa knew this moment was between her mother and Emma. She tried to hold back her tears as she watched the two most important people in her life hug, but she couldn’t help the sniffle that came out. Her mom turned to her and gave a small smile. “Oh, come here,” she said, and held out an arm on her other side.

Alyssa rushed over and enveloped both of them in a hug. She felt her mother place a kiss on the top of her head and stroke her hair affectionately.

“My girls.”

They stayed there for a moment, wrapped up in a family hug, until the sound of a phone ringing startled them apart. Alyssa’s mother reached for her purse on the floor and dug out her cell phone.

“This is Veronica. Oh, yes! Of course. We’re on the seventh floor, but I will be right down to bring you upstairs. Yes. Yes the bridal party is ready, I’m just wrangling the bride. Okay, great! See you in a minute.” She hung up the phone with a sigh and turned back to the girls.

Alyssa looked up at her mom. “Time to go?”

“You need to get to your room and take a shower. Shelby already has a bagel waiting for you.” She turned around and began to walk out the door.

“Thank you.” Alyssa looked to Emma and reached out to wipe away the tear stains from her cheeks. “I guess I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“I’ll miss you,” Emma said with a small smile.

Alyssa leaned in, closing her eyes, wanting to give her fiancé one last kiss before she had to go, but a sharp call of, “ _ Alyssa _ ! Let’s move!” stopped them. Instead, she gave Emma’s hand a quick squeeze and followed her mother out.

Looking back, the moment Alyssa left Emma’s side, the last few hours of wedding prep were a blur. It was a lot of her being dragged around, told what to do, and sat down in a chair to finish her hair and makeup.

Alyssa wasn’t nervous. In fact, she was oddly calm. She sat back and let the preparations happen around her, while all she could think about how long it would be until she saw Emma again. Alyssa wasn’t nervous, she was just impatient.

When Kaylee offered her a glass of champagne as the stylist worked diligently at fixing her hair in the perfect updo, she happily accepted it.

It felt like a few seconds and a few hours at the same time as she waited to be finished in hair and makeup. Once everything was done, she would be that much closer to marrying the love of her life.

Before she knew it, her chair was being spun to face the mirror. Alyssa looked at herself and almost didn’t recognize the person looking back. She looked like something out of a fairytale. Her hair was mostly up, but there were loose curls that fell down, framing her face.

Alyssa’s mom stepped up behind her. “The flowers arrived,” she said, and placed on top of her head the finishing touch: a simple crown of green leaves and wisteria blossoms. “You look so beautiful, superstar,” she sighed, and gently squeezed Alyssa’s shoulder.

“Thanks, mom.”

Her mother sighed and blinked a few times as she fanned her face, holding back tears. “I can’t cry before we even get your dress on.”

“Then let’s get it on,” Alyssa laughed. “You’re gonna have to lace up the back for me.”

Alyssa leapt out of her chair excitedly and went over to the closet where her dress hung. Besides the hair and makeup team, the room was empty. “Where is everyone?”

“Downstairs already. It’s almost time.”

“Really?” Alyssa asked with a bashful grin. She hadn’t been keeping track of the time all afternoon.

“Let’s get you in this dress,” her mom said as she grabbed the hanger from the closet.

It was easy enough to step into the dress, but it took a few minutes for her mom to lace up the back, and she adjusted little things here and there, wanting it to look just right. Glancing at the clock on the bedside table, Alyssa realized it was only ten minutes until the wedding would start.

“You ready?” her mother asked.

“So ready.”

Alyssa slipped on her heels, grabbed her bouquet, and followed her mom to the elevator. Every step she took made Alyssa’s heart beat even faster from pure excitement. She had waited for this day for so long and now, finally, she was going to start the rest of her life with Emma.

Alyssa blindly followed her mother out of the elevator and outside to the courtyard, not paying attention to where they were going until they walked right past the gardens and kept going.

“Uh, mom?” Alyssa said, stopping in her tracks. “Isn’t it back there?”

“Just trust me, Alyssa.”

Alyssa sighed and continued to follow her mom.

The hotel they had chosen was right by the ocean, and as they walked closer to the beach Alyssa could hear the gulls chirp and the waves crash. It was a beautiful day, the  _ perfect  _ day. Sunny but not too warm, small clouds above them, scattered across the soft blue sky, and a gentle breeze that jostled the curls around Alyssa’s face.

“Where are we going?”

“Almost there.”

As they approached the beach, Alyssa spotted a small gazebo with a bench, and two figures standing there.

The breath Alyssa held left her lungs the moment Emma turned around.

She wore a crisp white suit and a lilac tie that perfectly matched the flowers in Alyssa’s crown. Alyssa knew she would always remember the look of awe in Emma’s eyes as she stood in the glow of the mid-afternoon sun, framed by the golden sand of the beach behind them. Her heart swelled with affection and she wanted nothing more than to kiss Emma right now.

Barry smiled at Alyssa as she approached and clapped a hand on her shoulder. “We thought we’d give you two a minute to yourselves before the ceremony.”

“We’ll be back to get you soon,” her mom said, and took the bouquet from Alyssa’s hands. The two of them walked off together, leaving Emma and Alyssa alone.

Alyssa stared at her fiancé for a moment, speechless. Emma’s eyes were piercing, golden, and looked at her with total adoration. She reached out for Emma’s hands, taking them in her own and squeezed tight.

“Hi,” she whispered, at a loss for words.

“You’re taller than me,” Emma muttered with a frown, glaring down at the heels on Alyssa’s feet.

Alyssa smiled. “Just for today.”

Emma’s frown was immediately replaced with a wistful smile. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

“I could say the same about you.” Alyssa wanted to run her fingers through Emma’s hair, or brush against her cheek, while at the same time not wanting to do anything to disrupt the picture perfect woman in front of her.

“I want to kiss you so badly right now.” Emma’s eyes were glued to her lips.

“What’s stopping you?”

“Your lipstick.”

Alyssa laughed. “I’d rather you kiss me now than have to wait until the end of the ceremony,” she sighed. “What do you say, one last kiss as fiancés before our first kiss as wives?”

“God, you’re going to be my wife.” Emma grinned as she shook her head in disbelief. “How did I get so lucky?”

Alyssa slipped her arms around Emma’s waist and tugged her closer. She pressed their foreheads together, holding her close as her lips turned up in a small smile. “I’m the lucky one,” she muttered.

Emma sighed and brought a hand up to tuck one of the stray curls behind Alyssa’s ear. Her eyes closed and she breathed in. “Can we just stay like this forever?”

“I’d say we have one more minute before our parents come for us.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way because I can’t wait to marry you, but I also can’t wait for this wedding to be over,” Emma muttered. “I feel like this is the first time I’ve been able to breathe all day since you left this morning.”

“Me too.”

Emma hummed, content in her arms, and Alyssa brought a hand up to the back of her head, running her fingers through the soft hair there, scratching gently.

“Emma?”

“Hm?” Emma’s eyes fluttered open and Alyssa could see her whole world in them.

“Kiss me?”

Emma dipped her head in the last few inches and pressed her lips gently against Alyssa’s. Alyssa sighed and cupped the back of Emma’s head, leaning into the touch of her lips. It was their last kiss as fiancés, but it didn’t feel like a last. It felt like the first kiss of the rest of their lives. It felt like Emma.

It felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you we’d get to the happy ending eventually. Thank you to everyone who read this, liked, or left a comment. Thank you to everyone on the prom discord for keeping me sane.
> 
> I might take a little break but I definitely have other prom fics in the works so stay tuned! In the meantime you can follow me on tumblr @elliesgaymachete


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